Allume is 2 weeks from today. The official day it begins anyhow. For the team and me, this one weekend has been over a year in the making. I imagine that for God, it’s been in the making longer than that. And that fact alone makes me super excited.
We stole away this past weekend. I had too much work to really leave, but I left anyhow because I knew it was the last chance my family would get this month. I always love to steal away to the mountains…it does something for my soul. Time with dear friends does something for my soul. Slowing down and having tea while we watch our kids roll down a hill 57 times does something for my soul too. And no matter how many things we have on our plates at any given time, that soul care bit….it matters big… lest we drop all the plates and end up in a soppy, crying mess on the floor somewhere.
I know I keep saying it, but I miss blogging frequently. Pouring into relationships and running Allume well matters to me much, and when time is short, sadly these days (the past year if I’m honest), my blog is the first thing to scoot over to make room for margin. Margin is part of soul care.
I want you to know though that I’ve been writing! And ya’ll, I’m working on a book!!! I have worked for months on a proposal (which for the record is WAYYYY harder than I’d have ever thought) and I finalized it with my literary agents this past week! So now… there are pieces of me in official writing samples out there, and some giant prayers that if the Lord wants these words out there (and I believe he does), then it’s a let’s-see-what-happens as my agent shares it with several publishing houses.
* * *
I had a breakthrough moment in the past month.
I went to see my sister who had a new baby at the end of the summer. A sweet little girl. My first niece. My parent’s first granddaughter. Baby Virginia…or Deejeena as my 2 year old nephew says.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t a tad nervous to go. Of course I was excited to see my sister and her family, and snuggle a new baby, but I was nervous too that I’d feel jealous of that perfectly healthy little girl. Remember when my Fisher died? It’s been 2 1/2 years, but that baby girl still has footprints on my heart, and I was nervous that all those feelings of wanting would come rushing back and eat me up in sad jealousy.
I prayed alot before I went. I was scared that holding that baby would open up a hole in my heart that grew larger with every subsequent loss of my pregnancies. A hole that I just ask the Lord to fill because no other biological baby will now. We made the choice to take that possibility off the table when my husband had “the procedure.” You know the one. I cried when we walked out of the doctor’s office and it had only taken 17 minutes to remove that option from our plates. But the hemming and hawwing and emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with the baby train the past few years has done a number on us all and we needed to be done. My doctors said I needed to be done. If I tried again, it’d be dangerous for me and a baby. And I have a husband and 2 living children here who need me too.
So all to say, I was nervous about getting to see Baby Deejeena….even mixed with all the butterflies of excitement.
But I had a moment while I was there.
And holding that sweet baby, I felt sad that my time with nursing my own babies was over, but I also felt good too. And I wasn’t expecting to feel that. I felt ok that I’m in a new season, but in this season, as my sister was worn out from mothering a newborn and a 2 year old, I could make her a boatload of chicken pot pies for her freezer. I could help her rearrange 2 bedrooms that she’s been meaning to get to but hasn’t had the time or energy. I can write a book, or go to Africa. I can be home now with my boys doing homeschool, and that new season in itself brings joys. I can encourage new moms and other women walking through things that I’m on the other side of now.
Of course, saying goodbye to a season is hard. And I’m sure the tiny pangs will still come up here and there in dealing with the realization that in some ways my life isn’t at all what I’d expected. But at the same time, realizing that my life isn’t what all I expected is an exciting thing too. In so many ways, there are so many good things that my good God wants to keep a secret from me. He likes to surprise us. He loves to restore us.
And holding Baby Deejeena….well, he just reminded me that so often the very best gifts are the ones we can’t do a thing to manufacture ourselves.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. – Ps 139:14-16
I’m still being made in secret with the Lord, and his eyes still see all of my days. His works are wonderful, and I’m curious to see what this unexpected life of mine holds.
Dear sweet Logan, I can so relate to the fear of jealousy and sorrow. Having lost a child in a similar fashion to your sweet Fisher and then birthing a baby girl and burying her 7 days later was gut wrenching to say the least. It has taken me years (20+) to even be able to hold a baby. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I love that you were able to hold your sweet niece and minister to your sister and her family.
This is such a lovely post and I am glad you shared your heart and soul with all of us in this space. And that you took time away…awesome! Your soul and spirit needs that time. And congrats on the book proposal!!
I’ll be praying for Allume, the attendees and the team. God has great things in mind for this I am sure!
Hugs & blessings to you!
I didn’t know that piece of your story Mary…thank you for sharing it. You are so dear and I so appreciate your years of encouragement.
Logan, this is almost as beautiful as you are. It’s a challenge and blessing rolled up in one to be able to close a door, walk away from our own dreams, and just keep waiting to see what great thing God is going to do next. We just memorized this verse together at our church and it has given me so much excitement and anticipation.
2 Chronicles 16:9a (NKJV)
For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.
2 weeks!!! 🙂
THAT is a great verse!!! cannot wait to see you soon!
This is lovely Logan. Really beautiful. You are in a rich season, a different season from nothing an infant, but a beautiful season of being used by God in a new way. Praying for your heart and for the whole ALLUME team in these final days of preparation.
Love you, sweet friend!!
Thank you Kris! So appreciate your encouragement as always!
Grateful for this, for sharing more of your story and showing us how God is showing up – you do that so beautifully. It gives me hope 🙂
thank you friend. Yes…there is always hope…always. hope isn’t in the things of this world…and that is such good news.
I love your honesty, and the raw emotion. Though I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, I have experienced a terminated adoption after what felt like a clear calling from the Lord to pursue it. Even now as I hold my newborn daughter, my heart still grieves for the little girl in a Russian orphanage who had a family who loved her already, and though I’m at peace now with that closed door, there is a part of me that will always grieve the loss of that adoption dream. I”ve struggled as I watched others complete adoptions with relative ease, but I know without a doubt that the Lord walked us through that trial for a purpose. I’m constantly growing through that heartache.
I’m so looking forward to Allume in a couple of weeks. It’s that soul care you were talking about that I look forward to most. Thanks for the hard work you’e all putting into it!
Kelli, I remember crying with a brand new friend at Allume last year who shared with me about losing a baby in the process of adoption…I have since cried with several other friends over the same thing. The loss of hopes and dreams and family is just hard no matter how you slice it. I figure that the only difference really is that with pregnancies, your clothes just don’t fit sometimes. But that ache…I think in so many ways it just must be so much the same. Looking forward to seeing you at Allume too…and snuggling that new baby!
Logan, this is beautiful. While I can’t relate to your exact situation with miscarriage, I can relate to the longing for a child. We have started trying for a second baby, and while it’s different this time now that we have our sweet girl, part of me is still so scared to resume the road of infertility and monthly disappointment, because I’m afraid of the feelings it might unearth—as you say, that it could open up that hole again. We’ll see how things unfold. But know that your words blessed me today!
Katie, the way that I look at it is that loss is loss, and fear of loss is fear of loss. Both can eat us alive if we let them. And the ache for babies, well I almost wonder if that ever goes away anyhow. I remember my mom telling me as an adult that she wished she’d had more, and even friends who know their families are complete feel the same. I think there is just so much to treasure in each stage too, that knowing we might ever be leaving one for good leaves a sadness. Will be praying that the Lord fills all of the holes that threaten to rob your heart of joy!
I completely understand the feelings of having to make that decision before you are ready. I had two life threatening pregnancies, and before I knew it, the opportunity for more children was taken out of my hands. It was heartbreaking, but now 5 years hindsight I can see a glimpse into God’s wonderful plan for our family, and I’m so excited! God has special things planned for you too. Can’t wait to see you at Allume and squeeze you. 🙂
Leah… there’s just something about feeling robbed isn’t there?! But yes…is crazy to see all that the Lord does that we’d never have planned, guessed, or even hoped. Look forward to seeing you too!!
This is precious and powerful and so hard and yet so rewarding when we lay it all down and let Him hold us through those seasons as they end, or fade, or change… and they all do, eventually.
I will miss ya’ll at Allume this year but know that I will be praying and believing for big God things to unfold! (Oh and yay on your proposal! Can’t wait to hear, and read, more!)
~Karrilee~
They all change, eventually….so true. We will miss you this year at Allume!! So appreciate your prayers girl!
So beautiful. I relate in many ways, and you said it so well.
I just wish I could be going to Allume in two weeks! 🙂 Maybe next time…
Much aloha-
Monica, I think there are probably a lot of people who can relate, but so often it’s such a quiet subject that just eats at your heart in private. Grateful that I can walk through other women with it too. Thanks for the encouragement and I wish you could come to Allume too!
I held a baby for the first time today since we lost our baby in July. It hurt but it was also a little sweet…and your words remind me that there is hope for this season and for what’s next. Thank you. 🙂 Looking forward to seeing you in just two weeks…save a hug for me?
Mel, Girl…I just get it. It has been 6 years since I lost my first and I can still remember it all so vividly. Time helps, and there is such comfort in holding the hands of other women walking through heartache that I know all too well. It does get better. And yes…absolutely a hug for you girl!
And I’m crying now. 🙂
I just get it. And I feel like you’re a bit ahead of me, because I’m still wading through the “what the hell?!” stage. But your words bring hope for me, and for that, I’m grateful. So looking forward to meeting you in a couple of weeks, and helping out however I can. Praying for you and the team until then!
Kayse, I spent a long time in the “what the hell” stage. But know that it gets better. Maybe even I’ll be so bold as to say easier. Looking forward to seeing you too girl!
This is a beautiful portrayal of the scripture about rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep. It is a blessing that you were able to rejoice with your sister while mourning your little girl and being thankful for the season you are in now. Enjoy this new season!