Logan Wolfram

Enjoying Life for Dessert

Go Climb a Mountain {Allume Devotional}

by Leave a Comment

“Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.” — Richard M. Nixon

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good ol’ way
And who shall wear the robe and crown?
Good Lord show me the way

O sisters, let’s go down
Let’s go down, come on down
O sisters, let’s go down
Down in the river to pray

I don’t know what it is for me about old, old gospel songs, but I love them. They’ve been on my brain lately for some reason too. A link to the past perhaps…of faiths that ran deep in times that skewed hard. Maybe it’s the obvious trust of a good Papa that covered doubt in the dark places, and confidence of old in the goodness of our Father to provide….to be who He says he is…

*          *          *

Hop on over to read the rest at Allume!

Red Letter Words {Birthday Week Giveaway}

by 6 Comments

I first shared with you guys about Red Letter Words over a year ago when I first discovered Dee and her incredible gift for making words into art.  Since that time I’ve collaborated with her for my decorating projects, and her work has played an integral part in most specifically an Opthamology office that I decorated here in Greenville.  We had the best time coming up with loads of custom prints for Southern Eye Associates!  I tell you what too, those custom prints have made all the difference in the overall aesthetic of the office!

Check out a few of them!

This particular print was custom-made using the name of the practice, but orienting the letters to resemble a Snellan Eye Chart used in ophthamology for an initial vision test.

I also had the idea to use a bunch of eye related words in the lobby areas.  I’ll be honest and say that much beyond words like “retina, cornea, eye, and pupil” I didn’t know any good eye words.  We had to enlist the help of the docs for these babies, but they sure did turn out great!  Um…can someone please tell me what a YAG is?

We also created prints focusing on the locations where the doctors work. We made one print highlighting different areas of Greenville and a couple more with the international locations the doctors have visited to serve.  This group of docs is incredible.  Check out some of these locations they’ve gone on mission trips to do surgeries and eye exams.

 I LOVE the Greenville print ya’ll and even have one in my home!  It’s chocked with places around town that are familiar and notable.  If you have ever visited Greenville or have lived here, then this list is most certainly familiar to you!  And…bonus is that even if you don’t happen to be the winner of today’s giveaway, but you’re in love with this Greenville print, you should still buy it!  A portion of the proceeds of the sale of each Greenville print will be donated to Southern Eye Associates’ non-profit organization called Surgeons for Sight that provides free surgeries and eye exams to the needy both here and abroad!

Dee has way more awesome stuff on her site ya’ll.  Oh have mercy…here are a few more of my all time favorites!

Ahhh…. I LOVE that!

I’m a fan of scripture in my home anyway, and Red Letter Words makes it so lovely, and eye-catching, and tasteful looking. As much as it does for my decor, it does more for my heart to walk by and be reminded of the truths and encouragements that God has for us in Scripture.

Red Letter Words has loads of beautifully printed scriptures to choose from! Seriously…lots!

Maybe you wish you had a print as awesome as the Greenville one, but you’ve never been here or heard of it….not to worry, Red Letter Words has an entire Travel Collection!

There’s even a collection inspired by hymns and songs…..

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever you’re looking for, there are plenty of beautiful things to choose from. And if she doesn’t have what you want, not to worry, as you’ve seen above, Red Letter Words does phenomenal custom orders!

Dee is SUPER AWESOME and has agreed to give away 1 print of your choice valued up to $195!

WHOOP WHOOP! Have some fun looking all over the Red Letter Words website and then let me know which print you’d want and what size!  (This giveaway is open to US residents only and does not include custom orders)

Happy Entering!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

PS. Southern Eye images above were take by and used with the permission of Kim Deloach Photography ( I just love that woman!)

** Adding Tuesday’s winner at 8:30 this morning, but this is HILARIOUS!  I swear to you that all I did in the rafflecopter widget was to click on the button that makes it pick a winner.  Hilarity is that Rafflecopter selected Kim Deloach (my portrait photographer friend) as the winner of the Bogle Photography print!  Got to love people of the same profession admiring one another’s work!

Rustic Elegance {Birthday Week Giveaway}

by 3 Comments

Ya’ll, I am so excited about today’s present for you guys!

So, Tonia and I met about a year an a half ago when she started dating one of our dearest friends.  I knew I liked her immediately when she accidentally spilt an entire cup of water all over me and burst out laughing the very first time we met!  I LOVED that she laughed!  Like in those moments where someone awkwardly falls up the stairs and you should check to make sure they’re ok, but really you just want to laugh because they looked so stupid doing it?!…So you’re dying laughing, but trying not to laugh, and then you just make that weird pursed lip face and squinty eyed look to prevent an all out laughfest.  You know what I’m talking about right?!  Well, I knew I liked Tonia immediately because she didn’t even try to prevent it…she just erupted laughing.  We’ve been good friends ever since.  And then she married our friend, so another reason to love her ever more.  You may remember her as the gorgeous bride in the Rustic Chic wedding that I styled and arranged flowers for last summer.

Anywhoo….Tonia and I both have a love for all things chippy and old looking.  We totally connect on all things crafty and creative, and generally have a fabulous time making things when we’re together and apart.

She started Rustic Elegance a few months ago making the most GORGEOUS picture frames from salvaged wood.  Chippy, painted goodness.  Super yum!  As her business has expanded, so has her repertoire of items for sale.  Now she’s making everything from picture frames to jewelry hangers, towel hooks, chalk boards, cork boards, and more.  I LOVE her stuff!  I bought a towel hook from her that she made from an incredible piece of old moulding with gorgeous vintage door knobs.  For my birthday she gave me a thick aqua frame that I’d been salivating over.  And let me tell you what….if this is something that was on my own birthday list, you better believe I wanted to tell you all about it during my birthday week too!

Here’s what Tonia has to say about her hobby turned business:
Rustic Elegance
I love pictures. And not just my family’s pictures. I love going to peoples’ houses and looking at their pictures and trying to imagine what they were thinking or feeling when the picture was taken.
I love older pictures even more because I love imagining what it was like living when they were taken. It’s the same thing that draws me to smell really old books. You can chalk it up to my literature major quirkiness, but I can’t help but wonder who held that book and what they were going through when they read it.
So for this reason, you will find no fancy artwork in my home. Instead, you will find pictures. You will find our memories.
And isn’t it magical that my family’s memories are surrounded by beautiful, gnarled old wood (up to 150 years old)–wood that may have been part of someone’s fireplace or part of their doorway.
Our memories are cradled by the memories of so many others.
All of our picture frames are customizeable. You may pick your color, size and the amount of distressing you would like as well. Enjoy!
Ya’ll….look at this stuff!  Tonia is graciously going to give a $60 shop credit to one lucky winner to pick whatever you want!  Be still my salvage-loving heart!  Get a load of some of your choices!
Rustic Elegance
Rustic Elegance
Rustic Elegance
Oh….there’s more too in the Rustic Elegance shop!  You have quite the array of choices!  So….just like the other giveaways this week, you’ll have 48 hours to pick!  Hop on it!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

AND….Congratulations to Karen Hampton who is the winner of the Custom Room Consult and Vision Board!  Karen you have 48 hours to email me to claim your prize!

Bogle Photography Fine Art Photos {Birthday Week Giveaway!}

by 10 Comments

I kicked off the week with a little present o’ fun from me to celebrate my life and birth, but now on the date of my actual birth, August the 28th, I’m gonna throw back to my childhood for some gifting greatness.

I met Jeff Bogle at some point between 1st and 3rd grade at Oakwood Elementary school in Hickory, NC.  By 3rd grade, I somehow managed to wrangle him into becoming my first “boyfriend” for a few weeks even.  It was pretty serious for an 8 year old ya’ll….I gave him a present!  I don’t remember if it was Christmas or Valentine’s or his birthday….but at some point, my mom let me make Jeff a batch of chocolate chip cookies, and my dad gave me a mini wooden Lane cedar chest to put them in.  Jeff told me he still keeps his keys in that box years later!

I bumped into him randomly, a dozen or so years ago, when I was visiting and he was living in Vail, CO.  Was fun catching up with an old friend, and he even offered to teach me how to snowboard.  Poor Jeff has the patience of a saint, because the man witnessed me slide down an entire mountain on my butt or on my face with a snowboard dragging behind.  I tried, really I did….but it didn’t happen for me.  To this day, I have never tried snowboarding again. #MassiveFail

Maybe it’s that same level of patience though that has taught Jeff how to stop and appreciate the things around him, or maybe it’s the adventurer in him that has drawn him into photography.  Whatever it is, Jeff Bogle has clearly found his calling behind the lens of a camera.  Whether he’s waiting for the right moment to capture sunlight pouring through the trees, or noticing the way a stream bubbles across mossy rocks, Jeff manages to capture nature and life at it’s finest.

In both perspective and technical skill, Jeff’s work has caught my eye for sure.  He’s spent time photographing all over, but his pictures in and around the Blue Ridge mountains and beaches of the Carolinas are certainly among some of my most favorite.  He graduated from Brevard College with a B.F.A. degree in Fine Arts, with an emphasis in photography, and for the past 12 years has recorded a myriad of images – from snowboarding’s elite in the heat of competition, to political rallies, family gatherings, business functions, and the outdoors. If you ask me (or anyone else who’s seen his work), we’ll tell you that Jeff is one talented fella!

And since ya’ll now know that I’m a gifter too, I wanted to do something for this old friend of mine to spread the word about his business and talent.  I’ve always been pretty clear that if I don’t believe in something, I won’t advocate it… but I do believe in Jeff and his work, and I thought you all should take a peek!  It’s only August, but certainly not too early to begin thinking about Christmas gifts.  Or maybe you love this area of the country and want to look at the beauty of the outdoors from inside of your home.  Or, maybe you’re like me and appreciate beauty when you see it and want to put it on your walls.  Lucky for us, Jeff is willing to make that happen for one lucky winner!  And if you don’t win, Jeff is offering 20% off of all print purchases through the end of this month! And did I mention that each print is signed?!

Check out a little sampling of his work ya’ll…..soo gorgeous!

I could go on and show you more….really I could, but I don’t want to completely spoil the surprises in store!  My personal favorite one is called “Follow the Blue Ridge,” and you’ll have to look for it when you check out his website!  Trying to decide where I want to put that one in my house….LOVE IT!

Jeff is getting super generous on us ya’ll and will allow one lucky winner to choose one of his prints from the available sizes (up to 12″x18.”)  My new handy dandy widget below will guide you through the contest entry process!  Share away too friends!

And, how about this….instead of even wishing me a Happy Birthday today, share the blog around SocialMediaLand for me?  Or also, I’d love to hear in the comments below….what’s your favorite Life for Dessert post ever?  One that made you laugh, or made you cry, or taught you something new….I’d love to know the post that sticks in your mind!

Thanks friends!!!  And Happy Contest Entering! (Don’t forget that you still have a little bit more time to enter the giveaway from yesterday too!)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Custom Room Design and Vision Board {Birthday Week Giveaway}

by 21 Comments

Tuesday of this week is my birthday!  Whoop whoop!

I LOVE birthdays!  Love having them, love creating parties for them, love giving presents, and admittedly, I like receiving presents too.  I’m a gifter.  As in, it’s one of my love languages.  Even when I get an invitation to something that says “no gifts please,” I totally disobey.  I think about the person and the kinds of things they like…and I have the best time choosing and giving them a present!  The end of one year and the beginning of a new one is something worth celebrating!  And I think presents are pretty celebratory!

So, celebrate we will this week with presents here on the blog!  I’ve picked out some of my favorite artists and people to share with you.  They’re all joining in the spirit of gifting, and each day, we’ll give away something from their collections to a lucky winner!  Would love for you to share the blog and the giveaways with your friends as well!  Spread the love!!!

So here’s how it’ll work.  I’ve found this handy dandy new way to host giveaways that’ll be in the bottom of each post (thanks Rafflecopter!)  It’s easy to enter, and it’ll help me keep better track of everything.  I’d love for you to like Life for Dessert and all of these fab-o artists this week on facebook, and for sharing on your own facebook pages, twitter, and however else you like to share… that’d be just extra awesome of you (as well as gain you extra entries!)  Help a girl out…share the blog as a present to me for my birthday??

Each giveaway will run for 48 hours.  I’ll announce the winner the day after each giveaway ends and you’ll get 48 hours to claim your prize!  It’s going to be fun fun fun!

To kick things off, I’m going to get in on the fun myself!  I think ya’ll know by now that I work as an interior decorator (secondary to being a full-time mom.)  I’ve had the pleasure of decorating nurseries, kids rooms, living rooms, dens, bedrooms, bathrooms and offices.  Basically, if you start to think it, I’d love to help you create it!

Once long ago, I heard a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “A love of beauty is taste, the creation of beauty is art.”  I LOVE beauty, and perhaps as much as I love it, I love to help other people achieve it in their own homes.  I would love to help you make a room that reflects your personality, style and taste.  It’s nothing for me to put my own spin on something, but to create something that feels like you….that’s my greatest achievement in design!  So…that’s what I am going to do for one lucky winner!

Here are a couple of vision boards and spaces that I’ve created for different clients! (So you know what you’re getting into.)

If you win, we’ll have a consult (as in, we can email or call) to discuss your room and ideas.  I’ll get some info from you, and then I’ll create a design vision board especially for you!  No strings attached…just a fun, free-and-clear design consult and vision board!  I love doing this and I will love to engage with one of you readers in this super fun and creative process!

Enter to win below!  I’m so excited and I hope you are too!

*In case you happened to notice the incredible typography artwork in the Southern Eye Associates office pictures above, make sure you come back every day this week, because you just might be able to snag some of that eye candy for your own home one day! 🙂

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Design Board: A Boy’s Room

by 6 Comments

Friends, I have been so excited to share this super fun thing with you that I’m working on.  In fact, I have 3 projects I’m working on for different clients.  The fun part is that they are each totally different.  I’m decorating a 6-year-old boy’s room, redecorating a dentist’s office, working on a Master Bathroom renovation, Kitchen updating and decor, and an entirely new look for a den.  Whew….it’s a lot, but oh how I love it.

I thought you might have fun seeing the design board I put together for the little boy’s room.  Of course, this is my idea of general direction, so based upon budget and whatnot, things will change….but you can get the jist.  I’ll share more projects with you as I complete the vision boards and start pulling things together.

boy room design

I LOVE this room.  In fact, my son said to me the other day….”This is a really cool room.  Can you make me a room that cool?”  I agree.  Some things have already changed, like instead of this cool metal and wooden side table above, I found a neat vintage crate with an awesome label on the top that we’ll use as a bedside table.  Just something sturdy enough to hold books in it and a cup of water on top.  Biggest score was that the crate was just $18! I also got a steal on an old printmaker’s tray that I’ll use for the little boy’s display area.  His design plan was to create a room around Lego Ninjagos… his mom had a few other ideas that did not involve focus on a toy he will likely tire of in a year from now. LOL!

The vintage print tray should be a perfect way to display his little Lego men, while still maintaining the overall look of this room! (The tray I found is similar to the one on the left that you can snag off of etsy if you can’t live without one now.)

I am SUPER pumped about this throw pillow that I found that says “How will you change the world?”  Love that thought in a little boy’s room.  Sort of a quiet impetus to break out some awesome on the world as he grows!

So, what do you think?  Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

And one last thing…regarding yesterday’s post, I want to clarify to make sure that you all know….I’m doing ok. Really, I am. I just felt like I needed to share yesterday’s post as part of this journey I’ve been on. I think so often when we journey with a person through something hard, it can get to a point where no-one wants to ask anymore how they’re doing…feeling like we’re dredging up someone else’s junk just by asking and forcing them to deal with it more. I think most of the time, even months after something hard, most people can appreciate that you’re still thinking about them. And for me, and anyone, I think it’s wise when we see areas that could get hairy in our lives, that we address them in wisdom and love and patience. So, that’s what I’m doing. My fear is that it may have been read and then left a pity party feeling at the end. That was NOT my intention. My heart is just to say…sometimes life is hard and we all know that, and sometimes it’s just good to have a “little help from our friends.”  And….truth be known, someone out there just might need to hear that it’s ok to need help.

Coffee for Melissa & A Giveaway!!!

by 8 Comments

You all may remember when I wrote about my dear friend Melissa a few months ago. She is battling stage 4 breast cancer and needs our help. Melissa’s husband Brad is self-employed, they have 3 small children (ages 7, 3, and 22 months,) and the medical bills needed to treat the cancer are stacking up faster than you can drink a cup of coffee.
My amazing friend Jessica, co-host of Allume Social, and her husband, Jordan, recently started a coffee roasting company called Avodah. Before I tell you how these things relate, let me give you a quick run-down on this awesome company!

The essence and mission of Avodah Coffee – and the basis for our name– is our heart to serve.

Our purpose is to combine our passion for coffee with our passion for missional living. We desire to offer upscale luxury quality coffee at an everyday affordable price, and make the world a better place through our business.

The word Avodah is Hebrew, and describes action that is simultaneously work, worship and service. It means that the work we do is more than a job – that bringing the awesome to our customers is about serving you, the farmers who grow the coffee, and those who benefit from the organizations we support. All this combines under a lifestyle of Avodah, through which all we do becomes an offering. When you see Avodah, you know you’re getting great coffee with a great purpose

Here at Avodah Coffee, all of the coffee we purchase is done so with sustainability and quality in mind. We choose the beans and craft our blends to bring you the best, while serving the people who produce the coffee by purchasing from companies and farmers who engage in ethical business practices – whether through official certification or openly practiced direct trade. In addition, we give a portion of the proceeds from every sale to charitable organizations that exist to change the world.

I’ve been drinking Avodah for a few weeks now, and I LOVE it. Fact of the matter is that, I’m a coffee snob. I mean, so much so that I don’t even like Starbucks. Gasp! And in addition to the facts that my friends own Avodah and they’re selling a kick-butt product…the thing that gets me on board as much as these reasons is that Avodah is serious about changing lives with more than just a cup of really great coffee. Avodah is doing life beyond the beans.

They’re setting out to help us change Melissa’s life.

When you purchase Avodah Coffee through the “Melissa’s Cancer Fund” product option, Avodah will donate $2.50 from each bag to help offset the medical expenses that could cripple this amazing family of faith as they walk this journey of cancer.

I’m a coffee drinker…meaning, I’m drinking it every day. And if you drink coffee, I have to ask you….what’s keeping you from changing a life with every sip you take? You don’t have to know a person to know how you can change their life. Here’s a chance friends. It’s something you’re already buying. It’s already on your list….forgo the coupon for the 8 o’clock coffee on sale and buy a bag that will not only brighten your morning, but will tangibly change the life of this woman and her family.

Avodah is making a difference. Now you can too.

**Jordan, from Avodah, hooked me up with this super sweet widget below that will let you purchase Avodah coffee from right here on Life for Dessert! Sweet huh?! If you want to learn a little bit more about the products Avodah offers, you can check them out HERE. Just make sure if you stick around on their site, that when you check out, you do so under the Melissa’s Cancer Fund product option!

Between now and next Monday, June 18th at midnight, you can enter to win a FREE bag of Avodah Coffee!  To enter, order a bag of coffee to support Melissa’s Cancer Fund and leave a comment here letting me know you’ve done so!  I’ll announce a winner next week!

Help Support our sister Melissa as she struggles with cancer. Her husband and three young children are standing by her side as she fights this illness – and so can we. With your purchase, Avodah Coffee will donate $2.50 from each bag to Melissa and her family to offset her medical expenses.
$10.50

If I had superpowers, today I’d do this stuff…

by 1 Comment

I’ve had to be in bed way too many hours lately, and my creative bone is being forced to rest way more than seems natural.  I’ve been all over the web looking for super fun things to do with my kids this week since it’s spring break.  Of course, they’re now at my mom’s for a couple of days so that I can have surgery again today.  Indulge me while I show you (and provide links) to a few things I’d hoped to do this week that are creatively awesome!

Easter Egg Cupcakes via CupcakeProject.com

Yes…these are cupcakes made in REAL egg shells!  And can I tell you how badly I wanted to make them this week?!  For the love….this is the most incredible Easter treat ever (next to a Cadbury cream egg of course!)  I’ll never forget when I was a kid getting what appeared to be a plain white hard-boiled egg in my Easter basket.  When I began to peel it though, inside the egg, injected in some super secret and amazing way, was chocolate!  That egg was solid chocolate…or solid gold…depending upon how you look at it!  So when i saw these cupcakes…imagine my delight.  Cake…in an egg.  Just plain awesome!

Or how about this happy little face shining up at you?!  Listen, I’m still not sure what the bunny has to do with Jesus’ Resurrection, but I think once I heard it’s some pagan nod to fertility or something.  Whatever irrelevance it has with the holiday is beyond me, but I’m not gonna stress about the bunny and why he matters.  He really doesn’t…but still, it’d be SO FUN to make this!  I mean, if I were staying at the Hilton Doubletree (which is where this picture originated) and they brought this to my kids on Easter morning, I can’t say with certainty that I wouldn’t ask for them to take my plain short stack back and amp it up a little…bring me back a bunny face too!

 

 

Or look what else I found. It’s no bunny…but still, a toasty brown bear is pretty stinking adorable!

I also had great intentions to let my kids paint some old frames and pop this awesome printable into them.  If you check out Willow of Wonder, she’s made this free printable available in other colors.

Pretty great huh?  I had plans to decorate my Easter table around them with some other flowers and random knick knacks.  Check out this cutie little floral arrangement I happened upon!  The site this is from was what appears to be a pretty phenomenally beautiful wedding. I wish I could have gone to it, but alas, I have no idea who Adrienne and Daniel are.  I think we’d be friends though.

Photo Credit...Adrienne and Daniel's awesome looking wedding

This year, it looks like the reality of 2 folders of tax documents sitting in the middle of the dining room table will take center stage after all.  In 2013 though, I will have our Easter Egg Hunt again, and do a fabulous tablescape.   I will make cupcakes in egg shells with my kids, and bunny pancakes several times! For now, all dreaming aside, I must deal with reality, which isn’t nearly so pretty and cheery.  Even superman had cryptonite…we just can’t do everything all the time!  But if I could…wouldn’t all of these things be so much fun?!

Wish I could hug all of your necks!  Please pray for me today as I do have to go through another D&C around lunchtime.  Thanks friends!  Get out and do something fun today…for your kids…for you…for me!

 

Detour…

by 17 Comments

I know I’m on a long road to recovery right now, but seems that I’m in for a bit of a do-over…a detour.

To spare you the gory details, the short story is that my body hasn’t exactly cooperated since my D&C.  I now have a uterine infection, and I have to go in for another D&C tomorrow.  To say “this sucks” is sort of the understatement of the day…or week…or maybe even so far this year.

You think you’re headed one way…hopefully this time back in the right direction…but then, you realize this road isn’t actually what you were thinking.  Re-route.

And while this do-over alone is really just straight-up crappy, I thought I’d share a few additionally crappy things.  Not just to bitch and moan about it, but because I think it’s maybe helpful to know that even though for most of you this will all be over as soon as I stop writing about it (and realistically long before that,) there are things about a loss that creep into other parts of life that you just don’t think about til you walk it.  In an effort to a) be honest about where I am right now, and b) clue people in who really truly want to know how to help…here are a few more thoughts.

Look out…I’m about to go stream of consciousness on you again.

First off, we may not be able to afford the family vacation to Montana this summer that we’d taken off of the calendar because I was gonna be too pregnant, put back on the calendar when we lost Fisher, and now may have to take off again.  Two rounds of anesthesia and 2 rounds of the same awful procedure and hours in the hospital are going to put a dent in our wallet.  Go figure…they actually want you to pay for this stuff?!  And while I’m telling you how bad that stinks, I’m gonna risk really pissing a few people off by saying that I think it sucks that my tax dollars have to go to fund someone’s chosen abortion, but my own same tax dollars don’t cover the SAME FREAKING PROCEDURE that I have to do out of medical necessity.  Instead, we just have to sacrifice our family vacation this summer, and that bites.  This is NOT how I planned my parenthood people!

And because some of you are too sweet to publically ask or have had to google the procedure (and several have emailed to ask) what a D&C is, here’s a bit of an explanation.  The procedure that I actually had last Tuesday is called a D&E…dilation and evacuation.  It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  The wikipedia link even says that it’s the “2nd trimester method of abortion”, which is especially awful for this pro-lifer who wanted both of my children who have been subjected to this procedure.

It’s NOT the way that God designed for my baby to come out of my body.  It feels disrespectful and harsh, and while I know for myself and many others, it’s medically necessary, it’s still a really hard procedure to reconcile doing to someone I love.  And while I’m being honest, I just want to say to all of the people out there who in the name of “pro-life” stand on the street corner holding signs with graphic images of “this is what your aborted baby looks like”…you hurt people who would never choose this procedure with your heartless imagery.  And for friends of mine who have had abortions and were wrecked by them and it’s a part of their beautiful redemptive stories now too… you hurt them too.  What you’re holding up is awful.  Have you ever thought of that?!  And by the way…the next time I see one of you holding one of those…I’m stopping my car and I’m grabbing your stupid evil-looking sign, and I’m gonna tell you how mean you’re being.  Rethink it. That’s what I have to say about that.

And just so you know, tomorrow I’m actually having a D&C…dilation and curettage which is different.  More people know what a D&C is though (which is why I originally used that terminology) because it’s a more commonly done procedure than the D&E which is what I had to do first go round.  I hope that helps in case you were wondering.

And here are a few other things that are hard.

I read one time that when a person is grieving, people shower you with love and cards and sympathies for about 2 weeks.  A few super-sympathetic stragglers and close friends will still ask how you’re doing in the 3-6 week span.  But by 6 weeks, your pain has all but been forgotten by the rest of the world.

It’s true.  It’s not a judgement…I know I do it too.  We don’t mean to, but life gets busy and time passes and we often forget to ask “I know this was the first Christmas without your mom, how are you doing?” or “It’s labor day weekend, Fisher was suppossed to be born this weekend…are you ok?”  or “It’s mother’s day and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years…how can I love on you today?”  Truth is…we forget.  And for those feeling forgotten…it is just hard.  Our lives are forever altered…and noone seems to notice.

I can’t even try to get pregnant again for 3 months after this procedure.  Add a miracle of immediate conception to that and a 9 month gestational period, and I’m still not even having another baby for at least a year.  Months after when I thought I’d be holding a little one.  I’m almost 34…and while in the whole grand scheme, that’s young…I’ve been pregnant 6 times and have 2 kids here with me.  I want one more baby, and then I want to take my body off of this yo-yo physically exhausting train known as pregnancy.  I’m fat, I’m skinny, I fatten up again, I lose a baby and have to work it off, I’m fat again…then I have a baby and I’m still fatter than I want to be for 4 months (ok…let’s be honest…for a year or more.)  My hormones are up and down and all-a-freaking-round and I’m ready to be done.  My family isn’t finished, and while we’ve always wanted to adopt and eventually probably will…I want to KNOW when I’m nursing my last baby.  I want to know the way it feels for them to practically break your rib when they kick so hard in utero again…I want to know when I’m done and celebrate each tiny last moment.

It’ll be hard at the next baby dedication at church.  It was hard in the OB office today where I could hear a baby’s heartbeat on the doppler from out in the hall.  It’ll be hard when some of my friends have babies at the same time I was supposed to have Fisher.  I’ll still be wholeheartedly happy and thrilled for them, but going to their baby showers will be hard.

I saw a friend’s 20 wk 3-D ultrasound picture yesterday on her facebook…and I cried.  I want one of those.  I was supposed to have one of those.

I was supposed to be on a fun trip with my kids this week…traveling to DC and Pennsylvania, and then to New Jersey to see my sister and new baby nephew.  We were going to visit friends along the way, and see the monuments in DC that my 5-year-old learned about in school.  My kids were going to meet their cousin for the first time.  And then when that got all messed up and we lost a son and my boys lost a brother, we changed our plans.  Detour…let’s still make spring break this week not suck.  Let’s go a couple of hours away and visit my parents and our friends who will be in town from Montana for a few days.  Let’s have a couple of friends over here for Easter Sunday lunch and have a mini-party because I love to host things and it’ll feel more normal and Easter is the best reason of all to have a party!  Let’s get to feeling better because Monday is my sweet husband’s birthday.  Let’s pick out the good things coming up and focus on those.

I’m trying here.  I really am.  It’s that stupid game of 2 steps forward and one step back.  It’s maddening and unfair and f@#&ed up.  This isn’t the way it was supposed to be!  Not just for me….for humanity….for all of you…all of us. UGH!

I am the devotion writer for Allume, a christian women’s conference and community, and I tell you what…it’s been hard to write devotions lately!  But I have to be honest and say, that in all of this mess…the Lord is showing me SO much.  And because I started writing about it with you all here, and because I need to come up with something spiritually profound to say every Monday, the Lord has been forcing the issue of my processing.  I’m seeing more at a rate that seems faster than normal.  I’m digging deeper than I ever have before.   And it’s been hard, but it’s been SO good too.  So I’ve been processing more of the raw here…because it’s my space to do that….but the Lord has given me some seriously good nuggets that I’ve posted over at Allume the past couple of weeks.  HERE is the link to those if you’re curious.

And also…don’t worry that this space is going to become a long-standing, grief and healing driven space.  It’s not.  That’s not me…to muse about the same junk for ages on end until you and I are both sick of my own life!  With all this time in bed, I’ve been having a blast on Pinterest.  So if you want to know that my creative juices are still flowing, and the entertainer in me is still there…pop over and follow me for fun in that place.  Pinterest is oozing with life!  I’m pinning recipes and crafts and home decor that I’m itching to implement as soon as I start to feel better.  The really fun, crazy, crafty, silly me is still here….she’s just scratching through this mess to get back into the sunshine to keep LIVING!

So much love and gratitude to all of you for reading, listening, and encouraging.  You all rock…seriously.  You are full of awesome!

photo credit

Red Rover….Hope floats again…

by 4 Comments

My dear, dear friend brought me this figurine yesterday.  It’s beautiful isn’t it?  More beautiful is that she’s had it for several years because a friend gave it to her after she’d lost her first baby.  She shared with me yesterday that the Lord told her, as soon as I called her Wednesday with our news, that she was to pass this on to me.

This morning when I woke up and turned the lamp on by my bed, this was the first thing I saw.

And I feel it somehow today too.

I can’t explain it, because it doesn’t make sense…but I know where it’s coming from.

The Lord has blanketed us in love over the past week.  I have been blown away by the love and prayers we’ve received from dear friends and from people we don’t even know.  We have gotten cards, and flowers, and so many emails of encouragement.  Friends are bringing meals and sweet gifts for me to remember Fisher.  Even the nurse at the hospital yesterday gave me a pair of hand knit baby booties, and a soft teddy bear with a bracelet spelling out his name. I have cried every time I look at them, and at 33, I’m not too old to sleep with a teddy bear either.  There has been something oddly comforting about holding this stuffed animal bearing our sweet son’s name.

All to say, we have felt so loved.  So thank you all. Thank you for the comments, the notes, the tweets, the facebook messages, the random drop bys, the meals, the flowers….thank you for loving us so well.  Thank you for praying for us and showing us the love of Father.  We have felt it all. (And to whomever sent me the anonymous sunflowers from ProFlowers.com today…oh my words…thank you so much sweet friend.)

Someone wrote to me the other day and said that together with the saints, I’d be lifted up in prayer.   I wasn’t going through this alone. I have been looking and looking to find the scripture for this, and the Lord has given me Ephesians 3:17-19.

So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

It has been through your faithful encouragement and intercession on our behalf that I am constantly reminded of the breadth and length and height and depth of the Father’s love that surpasses knowledge.  Thank you a million times friends.  Please don’t stop praying just yet…this road isn’t done for me, but with your encouragements and prayers, I’m amazingly already journeying on a healing pathway.

The Lord gave me a picture this morning of me standing in a field and I thought I was alone.  Then the viewpoint panned outwards and I realized that there was an army of people standing in front of me all holding hands playing Red Rover.  There were lines and lines of  you standing in front of me and as I stood at the back by myself (with my family,) I realized that as the enemy dared to run towards me, it was the army of you all and your prayers for me that deflected him.

I found this picture this morning and I really loved it.  I love the image, and it’s the one I have right now of you all in front of me.  An impenetrable wall of faith and prayer and love.

From the bottom of my heart….truly, thank you.  Your shielding provides such a margin for hope restored.  I am overwhelmed.

In my ideal world, I SO wish I could email each one of you back to thank you for your words, for sympathizing, and for sharing your own pains with me.  I am so thankful that the Lord can use us, even in our depths, to bring encouragement and a sense of community to one another.  So many of you emailed me and said “I’m so glad to know I’m not alone.”  You’re not alone, my friends.  And if you need to know that even more than just I share in your pain, have a look through the comment section from my Raw post the other day.  You will be amazed to see the droves of dear friends who have been willing to share their own stories.  We are not alone….not at all.

 *Red Rover photo credit: Demotivationalblog.com