They’re knocking at my door.  Standing on the doorstep, rapping and tapping at first from outside…in the world around me. Lately they come banging with wadded fist on the entry to my own house.

“Little pig, little pig, let me in”

I stand on the other side of the division separating me from the huffing and puffing…standing and wondering which house I’m living in.

The culture wars are blowing on my house.

 I find myself in the midst of my own home, that I know is built on solid ground, but I wonder what I’m made of.  Am I straw?  Am I sticks?  Am I bricks?  What kind of house do I live in when I know that the cornerstone of it all is Jesus.

A prominent evangelical church on the east coast made a decision that kicks a big rock into the culture wars on marriage and the gender/sexuality questions that rage around us.  And I find myself wondering where I fall.

A writer and speaker I respect and personally know wrote a post last year on these culture wars and on where she stands in them, and I shared it around the interwebs because I agree.  I agree on the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.  But the truth is that other than a few heres and theres in my life, I haven’t had much actual skin in this game.

But now I do.

And when friendships and marriages are wrecked with questions on sexuality, and they happen in my house…inside my inner circles…and I watch a battle raging after a soul torn between decisions and questions of  identity, I find myself aching all over.  Grieving and longing for heaven to come and Jesus to make sense of all the struggle in this world.

If I say that I think it’s pursuit of sin, an intentional turning away from statutes of God to live the way he…or she… or you… may think you’re created, then the world says that I’m a bigot and a hater.

But all I can think of too is that for all of us who follow Jesus, we are all called to a dying to self anyway.  I die to myself in so many ways over and over again.

But when I say that I love my friend in the midst of the struggle, despite the rage I feel about the infidelities and hurtful choices made that impact family, friends, and life all around, somehow there are people who will tell me that I’m condoning wrongdoing and pardoning sin.  And I still find myself with a knife to my throat.

I know what I believe to be true…but I also know that life hands us all struggles that tear at our identity…that huff and puff and threaten to blow the house down around us.

Grace covers all, but a pursuit of holiness is pleasing and honoring to the Lord.  The same Lord who died to cover my struggles and poor choices and indiscretions asks me to pursue a holiness that cannot be achieved in my own strength.

And in a zillion ways I know that I crap on that holy pursuit my own flesh too.  The skin in this game isn’t just about who we choose to love, it’s about the flesh that we all walk around in.

 ^“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” – Gal. 5:16-17

I love so big and wide and deep my sisters and brothers who are caught in the middle feeling unloved, shunned, or rejected by some and misunderstood by others.  I see other brothers and sisters standing on either side… pulling the arms of those in the middle in opposite directions.  And all I can think is that Jesus hung there, arms outstretched, reaching to either side of himself saying, “this is my body broken for you…do this to remember me.”  And in a final groan exhaled, “Father, forgive them.”

And I see bodies breaking all over.  And I see The Body tearing itself apart too.

Father, forgive us.

Noone wins this war.  And my house is built on the rock… which says love enormously…and pursue holiness…and I’m just trying to figure out what that means that I’m made of.

Straw? Sticks?  Bricks?

I know I’m not alone.

So much has happened in the past month.  It has been enough to make my head spin.  It has spun and whirled and the Christmas season has come and gone, and to be honest, I felt flown right through the month of December.

And some parts of the season stuck firm and deep in my bones, and some parts of the life around me have felt like a cutting of flesh…painful and hard.  Marriages around us breaking, death of loved ones coming too soon, sorting through my own depravity…all tempered in with the hard has been some beautiful good too.

I always find it strange how the good and the bad can walk so near…never touching one another, but walking on either side of me.  It’s the tension of living with the righteousness of Christ, accessing the goodness of God.  The good and the evil simultaneously happening around us while one foot steps in front of the other through this fallen world.

One cannot remove from us the experience of the other.  The good is no less good because of the bad nearby.  And the bad, though horribly bad….carries a hope of redemption and restoration through Christ.

His mercies are new every morning.  There is fresh glory in His face with each new dawn.

So we remain curious after God.  Because we don’t know what each new day may bring.  We don’t know what new glory may be revealed in or through or around us.  So we put one foot in front of the other…and we peer around bends and look into cracked doors of opportunity, and we stay curious after the things of the Lord.  It’s the way we must learn to walk.

And in my own curiosity after the Lord, I now find myself in a place I’d never even considered…

I’m writing a book!

A real, live book…with pages and a binding and words not printed off of my own desk jet or input into a wordpress blog post.  Words that will be printed by David C Cook Publishers in 2016, and written over the next few months.  (Well, some words are already written, but I have to finish the book!)  And I have cried and cried over the sheer kindness of the Lord to allow me to do this.  It wasn’t even a dream that I ever had…it just happened along the way in this curious journey after God that I’ve been on over the last several years.

I made a quick little video a few months ago with my book proposal, and while so much remains to be seen in editorial cuts and pastes…you can get the general idea from it.  So for now…it’s called Curious Faith, and I invite you to journey with me as we see what the Lord can do when we follow along after Him.

Sitting at my sister’s kitchen table in New Jersey, I stare the French bulldog perched on the edge of the sofa straight in the face.

“One, two, three, four….. seventeen, nineteen, thirty-seven, TWENTY”

Sounds emanate from the adjoining room as a wild game of hide-and-go-seek fills my ears, and I find myself  both distracted from writing and simultaneously filled to the brim with a grateful heart.

“Henry is in the kitty litter!!!”

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Read the rest of this post over at Allume today!

One of the things that I love about blogging is that this space can be a place where I get to share exciting things with you and cheer on my friends too!

Sarah Mae has become my dearest friend over the past several years and I just love her to pieces and am totally for her and the things that God is doing in and through her!  Today I invited her here to share about a SUPER cool book club that she is beginning this winter (we are talking about doing some of this with Allume too) and also to tell you about a killer bundle of classic Christian books…stuff like Tozer, Lewis, Spurgeon, and SO MANY MORE that she is able to offer through some neat partnerships!  She is the real deal and I love this girl like crazy!  So check it out and snag the book deal while you can because it runs out Sunday!

Good morning, friends! I’m writing to you today because I have a few fun things to share! First up is that I put together an eBook of all my motherhood articles from the last few years. I did this because several of you have said you would like to have the collection in a book format. Ta-da! Done! It’s also nice because if you want to read it on Kindle or pass it along to a friend, you can. I’ve called it simply, A Motherhood Collection.

More details on A Motherhood Collection in just a minute! The next thing I want to tell you about is that there is a new Christian Living Bundle available that is absolutely amazing. I have told you all about other bundles in the past, but I’m telling you right now, this is the best one there is (in my opinion) for this reason: CHRISTIAN CLASSICS! We’re talking Tozer, Pink, Spurgeon, Murray, Moody, Bunyan, and more! The fact that those gems are in this bundle is reason enough to get it. Here, take a look for yourself:

Although there are TONS of other incredible eBooks in this bundle, quite frankly, you can just stop right here and know that getting all these classics is worth it all.

Plus, I’m having a book club…read on!

No really, just go ahead get it (IT’S THE CLASSICS!):

For all of you who want to see the other books in the collection immediately, CLICK HERE.

Before I share a few honorable mentions of other eBooks in the bundle, let me give you some quick details…

The Details:

What: 75 eBooks plus eCourses (Yes, there are all kinds of books in this collection, but most importantly, CHRISTIAN CLASSICS!) Cost of all the eBooks/courses: $1,140+ Cost of the collection: $34.95 (96% off) When: Wednesday, November 5th at 8am EST until 11:59pm EST Monday, November 10th. Where: You can purchase the bundle HERE (at 8am EST)! Bonuses: $160 worth of bonus goodies Guarantee: You have 30 days to decide if you think the bundle is worth it, and if you don’t, you get a full refund

Honorable Mentions (or, what caught my eye):

A full musical adaptation of the Bible, MP3 version!

See all the eBooks and courses and bonuses HERE!

Whew! Still with me? Great! Now onto what I’m really looking forward to: The Christian Classics Club!

Have you ever wanted to read up on the Christian Classics of our faith, but just haven’t done it yet? Me, too. Hence, I declare 2015 the year of the classics! And it’s the perfect time to begin thinking about which classics you want to read because you can get so many of them RIGHT HERE! I haven’t decided on all the books I’m going to pick yet, but I can tell you for sure I will be reading A.W. Tozer’s, Fellowship of the Burning Heart, The Holy Spirit & Power by John Wesley, and The Sovereignty of God by A.W. Pink. For more details on this study, CLICK HERE and stay tuned! Oh, and get that bundle so you are ready (it’s only available for 6 days!)!

Paypal Accepted

Now, back to A Motherhood Collection! For the next 6 days, during the bundle sale, as a gift to my readers you can get it for FREE when you purchase the bundle here! Just send me your bundle receipt to sarahmaewrites (at) gmail.com with the subject: MOTHERHOOD Last, but not least, want to read all these eBooks on your Kindle? It’s so easy! Click HERE to learn how! Good grief, I just gave you a ton of information! But, it’s good stuff, yes? Now come back tomorrow because I have a GIVEAWAY! Love to you! SM Disclosure: I have included affiliate links in this post. Read the fine print about this bundle and read the answers to frequently asked questions about the bundle. Sarah Mae www.sarahmae.com www.desperatemom.com

I entered Allume in this posture…arms wide out, eyes closed, heart to heaven…and I have to be honest and say I’m feeling pretty much the same way here on the other side of it.

For well over a year I spent hours, days, weeks, and months investing in speakers, sponsorship partners, attendees, and the Allume team, and I just hoped and prayed that in the end that it would matter to people, and would be a pleasing aroma to the Lord.

The past few days as I’ve tried to process all that happened, I find myself arms wide and face to heaven again.  I am overwhelmed by all that God did.  The way He moved, invited, and changed hearts all around me.  I’m astounded that He allows me to sow into his children in this way…into his sons and daughters…into His Kingdom.

“But Lord,” I’ve cried over and over until I’m tired of hearing and saying it myself… “Who am I?”

“You’re my daughter…same as all the women who come…no different…I just want to know if you’ll do this if I ask you.”

“Yes…”  I’ve said it aloud to the air, whispered quiet in the heavens, wrestled deep in my soul.  “Yes Lord… I don’t know what you want, or how I can help you, but I’ll do what you ask.  Please just tell me what to do… I have no interest in just manufacturing another event.  I only want this if it means we all get more of you.”

And it wasn’t.  It wasn’t another event.

Allume was a convening of souls… a meeting of kindreds…a splaying out of our innards for the King of Kings, and an invitation set forth for Him to come and invade all we think we are and to transform all we think we are not.

We are masterpieces of the ultimate creative… the opus magnum of a heavenly composer…we are his workmanship, and He invited us to join Him at His table this past weekend at Allume.

Months ago, the Lord gave us Revelation 3:20 for this year’s conference…”Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.”

We listened. He knocked. We opened and invited Him in… and we communed with Him for days.

A life of invitation begins in the soil of a heart cultivated by the love of the Father, and oh how he loved on us this weekend.

And so still, I stand humbled…arms wide in awe of the one who spread His arms open for us.  My own heart stretched out as He reaches and beckons us to partake in the ultimate invitation He extends of His own life.

What other posture is there but this?

Allume is 2 weeks from today.  The official day it begins anyhow.  For the team and me, this one weekend has been over a year in the making.  I imagine that for God, it’s been in the making longer than that.  And that fact alone makes me super excited.

We stole away this past weekend.  I had too much work to really leave, but I left anyhow because I knew it was the last chance my family would get this month.  I always love to steal away to the mountains…it does something for my soul.  Time with dear friends does something for my soul.  Slowing down and having tea while we watch our kids roll down a hill 57 times does something for my soul too.  And no matter how many things we have on our plates at any given time, that soul care bit….it matters big… lest we drop all the plates and end up in a soppy, crying mess on the floor somewhere.

I know I keep saying it, but I miss blogging frequently. Pouring into relationships and running Allume well matters to me much, and when time is short, sadly these days (the past year if I’m honest), my blog is the first thing to scoot over to make room for margin.  Margin is part of soul care.

I want you to know though that I’ve been writing!  And ya’ll, I’m working on a book!!!  I have worked for months on a proposal (which for the record is WAYYYY harder than I’d have ever thought) and I finalized it with my literary agents this past week!  So now… there are pieces of me in official writing samples out there, and some giant prayers that if the Lord wants these words out there (and I believe he does), then it’s a let’s-see-what-happens as my agent shares it with several publishing houses.

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I had a breakthrough moment in the past month.

I went to see my sister who had a new baby at the end of the summer.  A sweet little girl.  My first niece.  My parent’s first granddaughter. Baby Virginia…or Deejeena as my 2 year old nephew says.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t a tad nervous to go.  Of course I was excited to see my sister and her family, and snuggle a new baby, but I was nervous too that I’d feel jealous of that perfectly healthy little girl.  Remember when my Fisher died?  It’s been 2 1/2 years, but that baby girl still has footprints on my heart, and I was nervous that all those feelings of wanting would come rushing back and eat me up in sad jealousy.

I prayed alot before I went.  I was scared that holding that baby would open up a hole in my heart that grew larger with every subsequent loss of my pregnancies.  A hole that I just ask the Lord to fill because no other biological baby will now.  We made the choice to take that possibility off the table when my husband had “the procedure.”  You know the one.  I cried when we walked out of the doctor’s office and it had only taken 17 minutes to remove that option from our plates.  But the hemming and hawwing and emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with the baby train the past few years has done a number on us all and we needed to be done.  My doctors said I needed to be done.  If I tried again, it’d be dangerous for me and a baby.  And I have a husband and 2 living children here who need me too.

So all to say, I was nervous about getting to see Baby Deejeena….even mixed with all the butterflies of excitement.

But I had a moment while I was there.

And holding that sweet baby, I felt sad that my time with nursing my own babies was over, but I also felt good too.  And I wasn’t expecting to feel that.  I felt ok that I’m in a new season, but in this season, as my sister was worn out from mothering a newborn and a 2 year old, I could make her a boatload of chicken pot pies for her freezer.  I could help her rearrange 2 bedrooms that she’s been meaning to get to but hasn’t had the time or energy.  I can write a book, or go to Africa.  I can be home now with my boys doing homeschool, and that new season in itself brings joys.  I can encourage new moms and other women walking through things that I’m on the other side of now.

Of course, saying goodbye to a season is hard.  And I’m sure the tiny pangs will still come up here and there in dealing with the realization that in some ways my life isn’t at all what I’d expected.  But at the same time, realizing that my life isn’t what all I expected is an exciting thing too.  In so many ways, there are so many good things that my good God wants to keep a secret from me.  He likes to surprise us.  He loves to restore us.

And holding Baby Deejeena….well, he just reminded me that so often the very best gifts are the ones we can’t do a thing to manufacture ourselves.

Wonderful are your works; 

my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from you, 

when I was being made in secret, 

intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; 

in your book were written, every one of them, 

the days that were formed for me, 

when as yet there was none of them. – Ps 139:14-16

I’m still being made in secret with the Lord, and his eyes still see all of my days.  His works are wonderful, and I’m curious to see what this unexpected life of mine holds.

Life has been very full this summer.

The picture above was taken from inside my house far away, but it’s what I want to most remember.  Just how there is simple bliss found in creating space for life to happen.

I have been working hard on Allume, and when I’m not, I’m working hard at maintaining margin for my family. We are investing time and making memories.  I know that I’m breathing more free.

My kids are thriving this summer and I think it’s due in large part to us striving to find a better work/life balance.  When I work and have a sitter here (let’s not kid ourselves and think anyone could run a conference without at least a baby sitter some days) I focus on that.  When she’s not here, I have been pretty vigilant about not working as much as humanly possible.  (Which for the record, is much more possible than I’d convinced myself a few months ago.)

And then there’s the thing of where we live.  We could be moving, or we might not.  Who knows?!  A few months back, we found 100 acres with a pond, barn, etc and it’s pretty dreamy.  We have a contingency contract on it with the clincher being the sale of our house.  If we sell, we’re moving.  If we don’t, we’re not.  It’s bittersweet for me both ways.  The limbo is just a place I’m not thinking about right now.

We have been intentional this summer about spending good time with friends, with one another, and generally getting out to enjoy living.  We took the boys camping and met up with my friend and Allume speaker, Kristen Howerton, and her family a couple of weeks ago and it was the most fun!  We met at a festival that we (my family) honestly didn’t really attend because we really went to camp and spend time with the Howertons.  We had a blast getting to know Mark & Kristen and their kids, who for the record, are a fantastic family!  Within 5 minutes you would have thought that our kids had grown up together!  My boys are still asking when we get to hang out again. (And before you’re confused below…the littlest fella belongs to our new friend Micah Murray.)

I broke out all my international jewelry, tied a scarf around my head, wore a long skirt, and got pretty dirty.  People thought I was a legit hippie.

We have gone to the lake and to the beach.

Wind and water are good for the soul.

And we have had our fair share of projects at home.

Mostly, I have had a zillion things to write about, but have given myself the freedom to just not.  Sometimes our “no’s” make way for more “yesses.”  And when I’m old and gray, I feel sure that the things I’ll remember most, are the yesses that I say to the people around me…to the experiences we walk through…and to the moments I happen to capture on a front swing outside seen from behind a window of margin from within.

How are you spending your summer? And in the times that you aren’t planning, what are some of your favorite moments that have happened unexpectedly?

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.” –  Henry David Thoreau

Last month I wrote about functioning with a lack of margin in our lives.  I had begun to feel like life was a whirring blender and I was getting chopped up in it.  Sufficed to say, that is not how I want to live.

I’ve always been of the opinion that if there are things in your life that aren’t working for you…CHANGE IT.

I realize that sounds very black and white and it’s not really always that simple, but the truth is that hard decisions are never simple.  Priorities need to get shifted and sometimes making space to breathe can even mean scheduling unplanned time.

A few days after the margin post I went to the lake with a handful of my closest friends.  We had great plans for jump starting summer’s bronze glow on our skin and sipping sweet tea on the edge of lounge chairs all day.

Turned out, it was cold.

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I’m sharing at Allume today! Hop on over to read the rest…