Gonna warn you…this post contains some content that isn’t exactly rated PG.  If you’re under the age of 18….just know, you’ve been warned.  This is real life.

Time to break the silence around here.  Sorry about that.  This year on the blog has had longer periods of silence, and honestly I’m ok with that.  It’s been a full year.

So pretty much, if I’m being honest, the silence boils down to feeling kinda sad here lately.  I wish I could tell you that the events of this March have long but left my emotional being, but they haven’t.  And while the rawness of the loss is mostly gone, the lingering pains still crop up.  Still paying medical bills months later from 2 D&C procedures is a bitch.  At least I finally fit in all of my pre-pregnancy  regular clothes.  I have friends who have turned up pregnant over the past couple of months, and while I’m truly happy for them, the “surprise” pregnancies fall hard on this aching heart.  I should have been having a baby this time next week.  Instead I just have an appointment with the OB just to figure out…what’s next for me?

There’s wreckage left from all of the loss too.  It’s not just an empty womb and empty bank account, it’s tons of other stuff too.  Emoting my way through all of this has been hard, and for my husband who is a logical thinker, we often find ourselves on different planes.  It creates tension in a marriage when you lose 4 babies in 5 years…even if your marriage is a good one.  Sex gets out of whack when you are pregnant in November and then miscarry shortly after.  Then if you turn up pregnant and puking right after that for months on end, it’s not like the ol’ libido is really in full swing.  Add to that 2 anesthesia induced surgical procedures and 3 weeks of complications to that, and you get where I’m going here….months of a screwed up sex life.  Any married person will tell you….that stuff is important for both of you.  So then, needs aren’t met and frustrations with one another ensue.  And not just about sex, but about how to relate, how to grieve, how to move forward.  So many questions…so much to figure out…so few answers.

So, in the spirit of authenticity, I’m now telling you that I’ve been going to a counselor.  And it has been SOOO good for me.  I realized that as the mourning still continues, and my own frustration with needing to cope needs to be in a healthy place.  Truth is that sometimes we just need someone else to weigh in and pray through things with us.  My husband and I are going to spend a week in a counseling program in Colorado this fall focusing on our marriage.  My mom asked why we were doing this if we’re not in crisis mode, and my reply, “Wouldn’t it be better to do this when you just know things aren’t as you want them to be, rather than waiting til you get to crisis mode?”  Um…yes….that.

So here’s what I want to say about all of this.  In my humble opinion, from time to time, baby loss to life crisis to a state of the down-in-the-dumps….I think everybody can use a little counseling!  No person is perfect and no parents are perfect, and the truth is that we all walk around carrying a set of “issues.”  Some may seem heavier than others, but we all know, we’ve got at least a carry-on sized bag of emotional luggage we tote around with us.  Sometimes we may be able to work through things ourselves, but I’ll be honest and say that the times I’ve gone for really intensive prayer counseling are the times I’ve seen the most breakthrough.

I also personally don’t think that all counseling is created equally.  Some seem to pull out your issues and give you a pack of bandaids to put over them…never really getting to the heart of the matter in the end beyond just exposure of it.  The kind of counseling I’ve been doing, and highly recommend, is sort of similar to what’s called Theophostic Prayer Counseling.  There are other effective programs out there, but for me, getting to the root of feelings I have and then praying through them has been phenomenal.

It’s been a hard year.  Really good in some ways, and there has definitely been some neat fruit in my life from all of the hardship, but for right now as I creep up on the due date of that baby we lost I find myself emoting a bit more than normal as well.

Next Tuesday is my birthday and Friday was the date we’d picked for my csection.  Mixed emotions within the week for sure.

And because I would rather spend time on a celebration than a mourning, I’m going to have some fun on the blog this coming week.  I have a handful of artisans I love that I’ll be telling you about, as well as giving some of their product away, throughout the week.  And if you’re local, I’m going to give away some interior design time with me as well.  So while this year has had it’s share of mess, I’m determined to start my 35th year (I’ll be turning 34 on Tuesday) with focusing on turning that mess into something beautiful.

There is a really neat story that I’ve been wanting to tell you all about that too, so stay tuned for that before we kick of next week with fun and giveaways.  I’d sure appreciate you all spreading the word about this coming week of Life For Dessert Birthday Fun to help me and to share about these people I just adore both personally and creatively!  Can’t wait to share them all with you next week!

Image Source

Our freezer stopped working on Saturday. Our deep freezer. You know, the one chocked full of meats bought in bulk, extra spaghetti sauce, the casseroles I doubled for a “rainy day”, a handful of Kashi and Healthy Choice frozen meals for when my Hubs is gone, giant bags of fruit for smoothies, veggies, and more. Yeah….that freezer. The one that was packed to the gills. It seems to have died, or decided to take a break from cooling for awhile in this sticky, South Carolina, summer heat.

All of the meat thawed. It was amply cool, but completely thawed.

So, after a few moments of panic over the thought of losing a few hundred dollars worth of food, we decided to make lemonade out of lemons.

We sent an email to a boatload of friends this morning, and tonight… we had an emergency feast.

And a feast it was too. I roasted pheasants, grilled pork tenderloin and chicken breasts, made fruit cobblers, and yellow rice. Our friends brought more amazing sides and desserts…Tomato Panzanella salad, fresh fruit, green salads, pasta salad, banana cream pie, and more. We probably had 30 people over…on a whim…an emergency whim. And it was fun!

And as we cleaned out the freezer, I got to thinking how this process today reminds me of life so often.

*          *          *

Read the rest over at Allume!

Some people have suggested along the way that I should do a vlog.  For those of you who, like me until recently, didn’t known what a vlog is…it’s a video blog.

I feel like an idiot on camera, and I think my voice sounds weird.  Apparently though, my voice typically sounds like my actual voice to other people….which in itself to me is weird.

In this video though, I don’t really sound like myself….because I’m a dork of the greatest proportions and I’m impersonating (rather successfully I think) my roommate from the Haven Conference I went to in Atlanta in June.  Her name is Jessica, and she blogs at Four Generations One Roof.  She’s from Boston…as in, she sounds like she’s off of the movie Goodwill Hunting.  I had even more fun with the impersonations because I got to say names like Tony, and Vinny…and Nuch (pronounced New-ch).  These are all real people in her life.

We made several videos, but this one to me was the funniest.  For the record, sometimes I think it feels weird to say that I think I am actually funny…but let’s be honest, at 2 am, pretty much everything is funny.

I cleaned up language of the the actual conversation I overheard for my impersonation, but I figure if some of you want a vlog…here you go.

I have the lovely Jessica introducing my 30 seconds in the spotlight…just so you all know, not only was she on board with my impersonation of her at 2 in the morning…but she was actually the one recording it!

So without further ado…I give you…Jessica sharing a bit, and then of course, myself….acting like a complete doofus!

Being a Southerner, it absolutely cracks me up that in a totally loving and supportive conversation, someone would cuss at their spouse like the real version of this conversation went.  I was laughing so hard, because if I ever dropped an f-bomb in a conversation with my husband, he’d get ticked, and of all things not feel supported.  It’s my understanding that Tony felt very loved after this exchange.  I love it!  Ahhh….the differences in cultures even within our own beloved US of A.

We just spent a week at the beach in Florida.  Hence the need for the road trip mix that I recently shared.  It was gorgeous weather and a huge blast.  My youngest has finally reached the age where he just has a ball at the beach, so the whole trip was that much more fun since the boys played so well.  I actually got a tan, and according to Suzanne Fawsett from high school, “tan fat is better than pale fat.”  So right Suzanne….so right.

I thought I’d share a few of my favorite pictures with you, as well as a couple of MUST-GO places should you ever find yourself on Anna Maria Island, Florida.

The Star Fish Company is a hole-in-the-wall fishmarket with an open air restaurant along the fishing docks outside.  They serve up the freshest seafood there, and the blackened grouper sandwich is melt-in-your-mouth amazing.  It is hands down one of our favorite places to go.  In fact, we love the same stand by restaurants, that I can honestly say we just don’t deviate.  Ever.  Why mess up a good thing?

Duffys Tavern is THE place we go for lunch nearly every day at the beach.  We don’t really ever dine out at dinner, but lunches for us are a different story.  Generations of my family have come to Duffys, and I am no exception.  In fact, I love Duffys so much that thanks to at least one (and sometimes GASP….1 1/2) of their world famous cheeseburgers nearly every day…washed down with a beer so cold it forms ice crystals on the top, well, I gained about 3 pounds….IN A WEEK!  No lie, I eat more burgers in one week at the beach than I do the entire rest of the year combined.  It’s just THAT good!

I love the beach, and the Gulf Coast has the whitest, softest sand, and the most crystal blue water.  The sun gets crazy hot in the middle of the day, and this girl gets sun poisoning if I’m not careful….but ahh….it’s just wonderful there.  My mom grew up in Florida, so that’s where we go.  Love me some traditions too.

And speaking of traditions, my husband and I spent part of our honeymoon on Anna Maria Island as well.  Some friends pitched in and gave us a gift card to an amazing restaurant on the island called the Beach Bistro.  It’s pricey, but worth repeating every year.  Once my sister got married, she and her husband joined us, and then once my brother was pretty much a grown up, he started coming as well.  So now, it’s a sibling thing….and one we all look forward to every year. The Beach Bistro earns the highest Zagat rating possible year after year, and has also received some happy nods from the James Beard Foundation consistently as well.  It sits right on the beach, and by that I mean that the sand comes all the way up to the full glass windows lining the beachside of the restaurant.  It’s a treat worth treating ourselves to every year.

Who doesn’t love the beach?!  Seriously!  I’m a mountains girl for sure, but I love, love, some time at the beach.  Summer just doesn’t seem like summer without it!

Happy Summer!

So, I just made a big ol’ road trip with my kids…and without my husband.  It was about an 11 hour drive, and that’s not including stops for a 2-weeks-potty-trained two-year-old, an overnight stay along the way, or the additional delay for the traffic ticket I got for “failure to switch lanes near an emergency vehicle” on the interstate.  (I knew that applied to police cars, firetrucks, and ambulances in route, but didn’t realize that when there are 3 cops parked in a row on one side of the interstate, and 2 parked on the other, that I should get out of the left lane and move to the right. So, Tifton, GA….this ragged feeling mommy after a full day of driving, does not dub you “Friendliest City” even though that’s what you like to call yourself.)

I’ll tell you what helped along the way though to pass the time….a good old fashioned mix tape.  It wasn’t an actual cassette tape (which would have been gloriously old-school) , but I had a great time on Spotify the day before I left creating a mix of songs that made the time fun.  So I thought I’d share with you my…

Top 100 Absolutely Necessary Road Trip Songs

In no particular order, and I’m confident that I’ve forgotten a few additionally necessary ones, so you’ll have to please add your own few “can’t be missed” road trip songs in the comments section below.

1. 1234 – Feist
2. All For Believing – Missy Higgins
3. Ants Marching – Dave Matthews
4. Any Way You Want It – Journey
5. Be Ok – Ingrid Michaelson
6. 5 Years Time – Noah and the Whale
7. Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik
8. Bittersweet – Big Head Todd and the Monsters
9. Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
10. California Dreamin’ – The Mamas and the Papas
11. Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen
12. Cecelia – Simon and Garfunkel
13. Champagne High – Sister Hazel
14. To Be With You – Mr. Big
15. Cherry Pie – Warrant
16. Closer to Fine – Indigo Girls
17. Come Away with Me – Norah Jones
18. Come to Jesus – Mindy Smith
19. Cowboy Take Me Away – Dixie Chicks
20. Dixieland Delight – Alabama
21. Drops of jupiter – Train
22. Dust on the Bottle – David Lee Murphy
23. Eternal Flame – The Bangles
24. Fast Car – Tracy Chapman
25. Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
26. Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffet
27. Geek in the Pink – Jason Mraz
28. Go your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
29. Green and Gray – Nickel Creek
30. Heaven is a Place on Earth – Belinda Carlisle
31. Here I Go Again – Whitesnake
32. Hey Now – Dave Barnes
33. Hold On – Alabama Shakes
34. Hook – Blues Traveler
35. Jacaranda Tree – Josh Garrels
36. Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield
37. Jezebel – Red Molly
38. Jolene – Mindy Smith and Dolly Parton
39. Killing Me Softly – The Fugees
40. Kiss Me – Sixpence None The Richer
41. Leaving on a Jet Plane – Peter, Paul, and Mary
42. Life is a Highway – Rascal Flatts
43. Little Goodbyes – SheDAISY
44. Look Away – Chicago
45. Love Story – Taylor Swift
46. Lovers Lane – Squirrel Nut Zippers
47. Manic Monday – The Bangles
48. Material Girl – Madonna
49. Misguided Angel – Cowboy Junkies
50. November Rain – Guns N’ Roses
51. Only Wanna Be With You – Hootie and the Blowfish
52. Picture – Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
53. Put Your Records On – Corinne Bailey Rae
54. Ready to Run – Dixie Chicks
55. Rumor Has It – Adele
56. Run Away – Sarah Jarosz
57. Sample in a Jar – Phish
58. Send Me On My Way – Rusted Root
59. Strawberry Wine – Deana Carter
60. Summer Nights – John Travolta and Olivia Newton John
61. Shiny Happy People – R.E.M.
62. Something Like That – Tim McGraw
63. Sparrow – Audrey Assad
64. Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith
65. Sweet Jane – Cowboy Junkies
66. The Joker – Steve Miller Band
67. The Show – Lenka
68. The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
69. The Wind – Zac Brown Band
70. These Are The Days – 10,000 Maniacs
71. These Arms of Mine – Otis Redding
72. Thieves – She & Him
73. Uptown Girl – Billy Joel
74. Used to Be – Daughtry
75. Vogue – Madonna
76. Walk on the Ocean – Toad The Wet Sprocket
77. Wanted Dead or Alive – Bon Jovi
78. We Are – Kari Jobe
79. We Are Young – Fun
80. What Makes You Beautiful – One Direction
81. Wildflowers – Tom Petty
82. Wolfman’s Brother – Phish
83. You and I – Ingrid Michaelson
84. You Know I’m No Good – Amy Winehouse
85. You’re Beautiful – James Blunt
86. You’re the Inspiration – Chicago
87. Complicated – Avril Lavigne
88. Ironic – Alanis Morisette
89. This Love – Maroon 5
90. If You Want Me – Glen Hansard
91. Billie Jean – Michael Jackson
92. My Prerogative – Bobby Brown
93. Mack The Knife – Bobby Darin
94. Wouldn’t It Be Nice – The Beach Boys
95. Depende – Jarabe De Palo
96. Stronger – Kelly Clarkson
97. I’ll Be – Edwin McCain
98. It Must Have Been Love – Roxette
99. Hey Ya – OutKast
100. Beautiful Things – Gungor

Original Image Source – unknown

 

My brother ended a 7 year stint in the Navy in January of this year.  I wish that I could say that prior to having my brother in the navy I always swelled with pride over our country, but that’d be a bit of an exaggeration.  I love our country, and I am so thankful for the freedoms that we have, but I tell you what….until I stood on the docks of a Virginia naval base and watched an aircraft carrier lined with soldiers in whites on the deck, returning from 8 months at sea be united with loved ones, I didn’t get what it means, like I do now, to be an American.

I hugged a random woman beside me and we professed our love for one another and our country as tears streamed.  The Star-Spangled Banner played, and the tip of the first boat of a fleet of ships, full of soldiers fighting to keep America free, came into view.  My heart swelled with pride and love for my country and the people who keep America the “land of the free and the home of the brave.”  And ya’ll….

I’m just so darn proud to be an American!

Happy 4th of July!

I thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

– lyrics from Proud to Be An American by Lee Greenwood

 

Image source

I bought a new purse last week before I went to Haven.  My old one was getting sort of raggedy looking, and when I found the perfect platinum colored new purse for just $20, it was a no-brainer.

I don’t know if you’re one of those people who switch purses to go with your outfit or what, but I personally do NOT fall into that category.  So…I have to periodically clean out my purse so that I can find things that I actually use.  Maybe you’re the same way.  Or maybe you keep the same purse, but like your car, it’s kept spic and span.  I just went all out this time and dumped the whole thing onto my kitchen table.  The contents made me laugh and my 6-year-old said the picture above looks like one of the “Seek and Find” book pages he favors.

So, in the instance that you want to feel more normal…or you might need to just know that the rest of my life isn’t as perfect as my laundry room, I thought we’d have a little fun poking fun at the mess I called the contents of my purse.

I found:

The essentials at least…

• wallet, phone, and business cards
• but wait…there’s a mushed granola bar in this snapshot too (just in case)

 

 

 

 

 

• Burts Bees hand salve (ok…this is good stuff)
• Alright, there’s also a full sized Sugar Daddy, a dum dum, bag of mexican gummy pandas, and some old receipts.
• Looks like there’s a band-aid hiding in there too

• You never know when you might need a brand new USB device?!  Or…an entire bag of picture hangers.

 

• Or how about school pictures?  A bouncy ball?  Sunglasses cleaner (which I’ve actually become addicted to using since getting my first nice pair of sunglasses in almost 10 years.)  Or how about a few more dum dums, pens, pens, pens, chapstick, chapstick, more receipts, wrappers, a flashlight?  Oh wait…don’t forget that you never know when you might need some pesos…bills and coins.  The white box is a tiny first aid kit, and that strange looking circle on top…well, let’s take a closer look at that….

• GROSS!  So, upon further inspection, I discovered that this is a Mexican coin with a couple of craisins really smooshed onto it.  That really spells AWESOME doesn’t it?! EWW!

• And last, but not least…a full pack of Fun Flossers.  For you know, those moments where your kids just can’t wait to get flossing?!?!  Say what?

So there you have it…the story of my life…in one purse.

*Find anything you think is particularly funny?  What’s the most random thing you’ve ever found in your purse?  Please, help me feel more normal and let me know in the comments below!  Whatcha hiding in your bag?