I think I’ve crossed over into some realm of really truly being a blogger….because right now I need to be raw and write, and I need you to read it. Somehow, someday, all I about to say will make sense….but right now it doesn’t.
Today I found out at my 16 week ultrasound that our baby, Fisher, died a couple of weeks ago.
And you know what I’m thinking this time? It’s not profound like with the last one. It’s really more like…
What the hell?!
This is my 4th….FOURTH baby to lose. And it’s the second one that’s made it through the first trimester. Our first one was 11 wks 6 days, our second was 6 weeks, the third was probably 4-5 weeks, and this one measured 15 wks. I have to have another D & C too.
And you know how I feel right now? Pissed. Seriously God….what is up with that?
So if you’ll all indulge me…here are the things I want to say to God right now.
Really?! Seriously?! We’re here again? I mean, I know you’re good…I know it….but what the hell?! Honestly…I don’t know how it was that after 3 previous losses I never worried this time. How, after we found out on Christmas day when I heard you whisper to me “Get up and take a pregnancy test,” and how you told me this baby would be a “fisher of men” and said to name him Fisher….HOW did this happen? WHY did you LET this happen again?
Have I not proven myself faithful enough having walked through 3 others gracefully?! Has my faith to not worry any of these subsequent pregnancies not been enough? Has the ministry and heart I have had for women ever since I lost the first one not been profound enough? Do we really have to go to this sucky well again? Do I really have to have a D & C again? Isn’t there a different thing you can work to redeem in my life?! Do we have to keep redeeming the same awfulness?
And when I had to tell my son tonight…the wails God….the loss of a brother. He felt it all. He knew what it meant and he asked “why did this happen?” And all i could say was “I don’t understand either.” Because you know what God….I don’t. And I’m angry.
I know you’re the giver of good gifts…and I have 2 of those good gifts sleeping just down the hall…but you have 4 others of mine there with you. I know this world isn’t anything when they can have heaven…but can we stop with the tease of life to come?! I know these lives are yours to begin with…but if you’re gonna give life…then intervene for it why don’t you?! You didn’t do this…I know you didn’t because you don’t kill…the enemy does….but you allowed it, and I don’t understand that.
And you know what else…my f***ing clothes don’t fit either. And I puked my brains out for 6 weeks. And now my closet is full of maternity clothes I don’t get to wear…and now I have to go back through all of those bins that I just put away and give my friend, Melissa, all of her cute clothes back because this belly isn’t going to swell with life this summer afterall. So now I’m fat and for nothing. FOR NOTHING!
What are you doing here God? I know there’s shelter under your wing…but is there a freaking leak between your feathers or something, because it’s raining on me Lord….it’s raining. I know you’re good…and i know you’re faithful…and i know you’re trustworthy….but you know what, I don’t want to have a cup of coffee with you right now. I want to drop kick you in the face God. I don’t want to dine at your table, or sit in your shade….because to me right now…there’s a hole in your umbrella and I’m baking here….baking.
And you know what else…life today…it’s not like dessert. It’s like someone took a big fat dump in my cornflakes…and I have to eat every last bite of it. And it tastes awful.
Lord….I know your ways are higher…and I won’t understand this til I’m in heaven sitting at your feet and holding all of these babies myself….but you know what…for now, I just don’t get it. I’m angry, and I’m broken, and I’m using incorrect punctuation because I don’t even give a crap. i just need to say what I need to say and not edit. This is life…unedited.
So friends, here’s what you need to know about me right now. I’m raw. And I’m broken. And I don’t have any good answer, nor am I asking you to come up with one either. So please don’t say things like “this may be better, because what if something was wrong with it?” Or don’t say “He never gives you more than you can handle.” Or don’t tell me about how maybe if I hadn’t lost this one that I might not have had the chance to meet a next one. Because for all we really know, the Lord could be sending us the same kid over and over again and the enemy is afraid because it’s heavenly destiny is so huge he can’t stand the thought of it making it here.
I said to my friend Sarah Mae today that I don’t know why the Lord would tell me this baby would be a “fisher of men” if he’d never be alive to meet any and her wise and comforting words were that Fisher can still touch people even if he’s not here. He’s a part of me and our family…and somehow I ask the Lord to use this, to use him, to use our family and me to fulfill the destiny that he won’t live out here on earth.
And in the midst of my tears and anger and cuss-fest….I have to believe that that’s just what He’ll do.
Oh, sweetie. I am so very, very sorry. There are truly no words to express how deeply I feel for you right now. We’ve lost three ~ one at 18 weeks and it was one of the most difficult times for us. Praying for you and hugs from afar.
Oh, dear… I am so sorry. Just sorry, and sending prayers and hugs your way, and cyber chocolate and hot tea and chicken soup. Give yourself grace, friend. No one can tell you how you *should* feel. Bless you.
I just give you my arms and my heart and my silent tears . . .
Love,
Erika
Be pissed. Eat gallons of ice cream and salted caramels. Throw things. Punch pillows. Scream to God. Let the snot fly. Cry waterfalls and tidalwaves. You have every right. You have an army of believers praying for you, for Fisher, for your family. There is nothing to say that can make it all better. The thing that helped me the most when Ben and I miscarried at 14 weeks was my dad coming down and just sitting with me. Holding my hand and hugging me while I sobbed. He didn’t say one word, he was just there. You have hundreds upon hundreds of people, Logan, willing and ready to just sit with you knowingly in silence, to mourn with you in their very innermost souls.
I agree with Teal here. Today I’ve been praying for you. I’ve been praying for Jeremy. I’ve been praying for your boys. I don’t know why either and it’s not fair. Today your world stopped in its tracks, and for anyone to tell you otherwise (with some words that don’t help–like you mentioned), would not do Fisher justice. My sweet Southern friend that I truly love dearly, my heart is aching for you. Tears this morning when I got the text and said, “NO God!!”
I love you!
I’m so, so, so very sorry…
I know a little bit of what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling (I’ve had multiple miscarriages as well, though none in the 2nd trimester). I know enough to know that nothing I say will really help, but I just wanted you to know that I care, that I empathize, and that I’m praying so hard for you right now- to be sustained, to feel His peace deep down inside even when less deep down, when closer to the surface, things are all stormy and raging, I am praying that even in that storm you will be sustained by His peace that passes understanding…
Logan, I’m really, really sorry. And I know that doesn’t help… but that’s all there is to say.
I love you logan, love your honesty. I have no words of comfort, yet – I’m right there with you, angry on your behalf. These things just baffle me. I’m praying, because that’s all I know to do for you. Please know that it’s so ok to write this out – to put words to your hurt. Your honesty is going to help, not only yourself but also others who struggle with the same questions. We’re of course praying, hard for you and your family.
I am so, so sorry.
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this again. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.
I love this post. I don’t love – in fact, I hate – why you had to write it, but I love that you did. I love how you were willing to put out there what so many of us are thinking when we go through tough and trying time as Christians. You are brave and bold and through it all, even the questioning and cussing, you remain faithful. XO
Yes! Exactly! What you wrote is so right on, Kelly. Logan, I can’t begin to imagine your pain. You don’t know me, but I’m wanting to be right there by you to let you bawl your eyes out and cuss all you need to. As painful as it is, there is something so beautiful and relatable about what you wrote. So, thank you. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Oh my friend. The honesty, the painstakingly chosen words…it’s so raw, so painful, yet incredibly beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us. Love and prayers for your family.
I love you.
I’ve never felt the pain and loss of a child but I felt it tonight reading this post. I feel your loss and your anger and your frustration and most of all… your faith. (Which might surprise you but I did feel it.)
My prayers are with you. My heart feels for you. I feel privileged to have come across your blog and to share in your journey. Take heart.
Dear Logan,
I am so very sorry. Your anger is not wrong. It is so good that you are asking these questions of God because He alone holds the answers. Sending you love, hugs, and prayers for you and your entire family. It was never supposed to be this way. Kristina
Praying for you and your family. I am so sorry.
I. Love. You.
Now scream, holler, yell, cuss til you hearts continent! He can take it! Throw your hand up, stomp, hit something.. HARD… Whatever you need.. DO IT! Do it for YOU, do it for your FAMILY, do it for FISHER!
But know that you are loved!
I am literally sobbing with you. All I can say/write is that I am deeply sorry.
Logan, thank you for sharing this, although the circumstances do suck. It was about a year ago that I had these same emotions, questions and anger…the difference being I didn’t have the balls to express them to ANYONE. Your right, there are no words but I will stand strong as your brother in Christ and pray for you, your family and Fisher. Peace and love to you and yours.
Love,
Chuck Coffin
P.S. probably not the right time to share this but I look forward to your post and love reading them. Did I just give up my man card publicly by admitting that I read blogs….?
Chuck…you’re not the only dude who reads, although I’m sworn to secrecy on the identity of the others. I appreciate your encouragement…everyone’s encouragement. Sometimes I think it’s just the right thing to be raw.
Get it out girl! Tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, I love you!
I cannot imagine your pain, I can only tell you how very sorry I am – for you, for your family, for everything – as I sit here crying with you, for you, for Fisher, for your wonderful unwaivering faith in God – because it is still there. It will take time for you to see that it is still there, inside of you – but you will. May your sorrows be overtaken with joy, & your pain by unfailing love.
For anyone who reads down this far…know that I read and SO CHERISH each and every one of your comments. I never realized that this method of working through joys, the mundane, and even griefs would be such balm to my soul. Your heartfelt prayers, your sympathies, empathies, encouragements….truly, my heart is so so grateful.
{Streaming tears} 🙁 ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) and more ((Hugs)) Praying for you all. No words. But I’m praying. Love you. xo
Praying for you!
Logan. I can’t imagine your pain. But, I am going to forward this to a dear friend who just lost her first after months of fertility treatments. She is a strong believer like you and I think this post will help her heal after having not left the house for 2 weeks since the burial of her child 🙁 LOTS OF AOT!!!!
Praying. Its all I have to offer. Your words, your honesty…shook my soul.
Oh, Logan. Praying and sending love.
logan, i am so sorry, friend. my heart aches with yours, and i lift up you before the throne of grace, praying you find comfort and deep shalom peace. you are already so strong. it reads in every honest, unfiltered word.
Precious Logan,
My heart is breaking for you. I have no wise words only tears and prayers. I wish I could do anything to lessen your pain. I am so sorry.
Love,
Kim
Well dammit. This is just awful. I shall pray that you find the inner strength to keep on keeping on, because not doing that would be just more awful on top of this. My heart is heavy for you and your family. You shall be prayed for from here.
Loges, Loving you right now. Prayers joining all the many others. Heartbroken for what you are going through.
I am so sad and sorry for your loss. I remember when people used to tell me that we only get what we can handle – and wanting to punch each person who said that in the throat. You have the right to be angry right now. I hope that you will find peace in time.
Praying for you and yours, Logan…
My heart if filled with so much sorrow for you and your family. I sit here weeping for the loss of your baby boy. I know God has a plan but it sure doesn’t make any sense. I will continue to pray for peace and comfort in your hearts. I love you girl. I’m so sorry.
Your words echo from the depths of my heart – I am so, so sorry that you are feeling this raw pain. I sobbed deep when I read your words… raw pain – that I have penned myself. We have seven babies with the Lord, and He has shown me much. Let the rain wash away your tears. He will catch them. Love to you.
I have no words. Except to say thank you for sharing your raw emotion! It’s nice to know that I am not alone. Fisher has touched me more than you will ever know. Thank you for allowing God to use you to minister. You and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers!
Oh Logan, I am crying with you. I just lost our little girl, Thea Grace (she was 11 weeks) in December and it sucks. It just really really sucks. I want to say something eloquent and lovely in response to your pain, but I think you need to know that others are crying out in pain and anger and confusion too and that this is also so beautiful and so healthy and so good. There is something sacred in the midst of our honesty and pouring out of all the reality of what is in our hearts and the hardness of what it feels like to try to trust God when our whole being reviles at our circumstances. My waves come and go and I don’t know if I will ever be okay after the reality of burying my daughter in the ground and letting go of all the hopes we had for her life with us here. But I am trying. And I will be praying for you too. Standing with you in these days, Kristen
Dear Logan,
I’m so incredibly sorry. I just want you to know that I’m praying for you. I know that your faith will get you through this terribly awful time. I wish I could say or do something to take away your pain. Hugs and prayers ~ Sandi
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I’ll be praying for you as you walk this very difficult road.
Logan,
Father appreciates your honesty and being open to Him about your feelings.
Praying for your family and looking forward to hang with Hudson next Sunday.
Dearest Logan,
I am a true follower of your blog. You are amazing, but never have I told you that. Today seemed like the perfect time to remind you of the amazing woman, wife, friend, sister, and mother that you are! Please know how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. Hugs and prayers to ease the pain you are feeling right now. ~Katie
I’m a new reader but I’m an old friend with this issue. My first loss (Bean) happened a mere 10 days after I found out I was pregnant (but enough time had passed for me to tell the whole world I was preggars). My second loss (Sweet Pea) happened right around 12 weeks, after we had seen the heart beat and I was just sure that baby was going to make it. I lost that baby seven years ago this month. I still remember that office visit. I still remember both D&Cs. I still remember how much I wanted both of those babies.
I so get the anger you’re feeling, and I truly appreciate that you are sharing it here with us. I RAGED at God for a very long time. But the truth is that having my miscarriages was my first turn towards God after two decades of being an atheist. Being able to rage at God made me realize that I actually believed in God again. Surprising but true.
I don’t understand why God brought this to your life. I pray that He will one day give you eyes to see His ways. Mostly I will pray that the love you feel for your babies never goes away. Isn’t it amazing how big we are capable of loving? ESPECIALLY the littlest ones.
My heart and prayers are with you. I’ve walked some of this road as well and I know how hard it is. Sending love and prayers to you and your family.
Logan, I am deeply sorry. I lost our daughter 2 & 1/2 years ago at 16 weeks. I went in for a routine check up and there was no heart beat. I had no idea she was gone.
It sucks – you are so right. I am there with you in tears and praying for you right now. Not that we will ever understand the “why” but that we just continually feel His presence and love.
I am so sorry, Hon. I wish I could hold you & just cry with you, but I can’t. Please know that I am praying for you and believing with you that God is still good and still in charge…somehow.
i am just so beyond sorry, friend. so. very. sorry.
and i love your honesty and i love your heart. i think your vulnerability gives the rest of us permission to question, to cry, to cuss, to doubt, to be angry. and that is a rich, raw gift you’ve offered the world in this. so thank you for that.
and you are right. there are no right words. just know that i love you and will be praying this next week as you walk through the realities of a D&C. That just sucks. ugh.
i love you.
I got here following a link asking for prayer. You have my prayers, sister, and my thoughts and tears.
I’m so very sorry Logan. My heart hurts for you. I know the pain and the questions and the anger. It hurts like crazy and makes no sense. It is SO VERY OKAY that you feel and think and say these things. We all do even if we wouldn’t be bold enough to write it on our blogs.
I just pray Jesus for you now. To hold you and while you kick and scream and feel the pain of loss. To be so near that you feel His love thick in the midst of it all. That you stay you and are okay with these questions and know that He is okay with them too! They may scare some but never Him.
You are wrapped in prayers today and I am so very sorry!
When Jake told me I had to ask him to repeat himself 3 times. All I could say was, “No God, not again, not Logan’s baby!” This was supposed to be the child that redeemed all of your suffering…THIS one you were supposed to hold and cuddle and raise. I hate that you have to go down this long, long road again. If you are like me, the grief of losing Fisher is compounded by the grief of the other 3. And I know your heart breaks for your boys, especially Walker who is old enough to understand the depth of what is happening. I HATE THIS. I am pissed and grieving with you. You don’t FEEL it right now, but God is good – and I will believe it for you, until you can believe it again. You have walked this road with me sister (many times), now I walk it with you. I LOVE YOU LOGAN.
My friend Erin shared this link with me saying you need prayers and love. You got them from me. And thanks so much for your authenticity intertwined with being a Christian something I strive to do.
We have lost 4.
1 before and 3 after birth.
Grieve as is right for you and keep writing. Jesus grieved at Lazarus grave knowing he was going call him out in just a moment. So I keep telling myself its ok to be mad/sad/hurt/desolate/scared.
May God be a very real presence in the days to come.
WOW! What a raw, real post, Logan!!! I hope it was cathartic in some way. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I do think that you have to let yourself be mad, hit, scream, eat, run, whatever it is you want and need to do to get through this for you, your sweet boys and adoring husband. Continuing to pray for you all!
Crying here praying for you and your family.
Logan, my heart breaks for you and your sweet family. I prayed for you multiple time through the night as I kept waking with you on my heart. May you feel our Father’s arms around you, carrying you though this sad and confusing time.
Praying with you, crying with you. Love. I am so sorry, dear Logan.
I’m so sorry.
I went through the same thing 5 years ago – trying to get that 3rd child. After extensive tests I was lucky to just need progesterone to keep my pregnancy going. (I kept losing them b/n the 10th and 12th week).
It is hard and not what you want to hear – God has plan. He never said it would be easy.
Cry, pray, grieve, and hug your babes.
First time visitor here, and so very sorry it had to be under these circumstances, but I felt compelled to read and support and pray and weep with you, sweetheart. I am so so so very sorry for your loss(es). I wish there was something, anything I could do to help you.
Logan, I am so, so sorry–there are no other words!
Oh sweet girl. There are no words…just lots of love and prayers your way.
Logan – I am so sorry – my heart hurts with you – hold on tight to the word the Lord gave you about Fisher – Sarah Mae is right on –
hugs to you
I am so terribly sorry that you have to endure this searing pain again. Prayers, love and many ((hugs)) sent your way.
I love you Logan. So sad and confused too. I’m so sorry.
My heart breaks as i read your blog, i am so sorry for this pain that none of us can understand… WHY ? we will never know… there are no words to say, just the comfort of family and friends that love you …. Logan, i do love you and will keep praying as you wrestle through this…. you have many shoulders to cry on, mine is one of them
love you, cindy
Hi Logan
Beth sent me a link to your blog. You pretty much summed up how I have felt these past two weeks since I lost my sweet son (he was stillborn). We also showed up for a routine ultrasound to find out he was gone.
I know God has a plan, but that doesn’t mean our grief is any less painful as we try to move forward when our hearts our broken. Loss is raw, grief is raw, and somehow we have to have Faith that someday, this will all make sense.
Anyways, I appreciate your honest description of what it feels like to lose a baby. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
krista (mommy to baby Liam)
Logan, I am so, so sorry for your loss. It’s more than ok to be this honest. Jesus is not afraid of our anger and disappointment. After I lost my fourth baby I found the more honest I got the closer to Jesus I felt and the quicker I healed. Praying for you tonight and grieving with you.
I have no words of wisdom, only hugs, tears, and prayers. Your honesty was so touching and heart wrenching. I cried with you even though we are miles away. Hang in there sister, we are here for you. Love & AOT.
Logan,
I’m really sorry. I can only imagine what you are experiencing, but know the pain of tragic loss. I remember (and still am at times) being very angry at God but I have to believe he is stretching my faith in those moments. Sometimes there are no words to express pain, but you found your voice and managed to do it honestly and beautifully.
Peace and love to you.
Logan,
I am so sad for you. I’m sure he is beautiful.
Amanda
Logan, My heart creeps with grief for you. My stomach is churning and my heart is heavy. May the God of all Comfort show you His mighty power, may He fulfill your hearts desire. You are a strong woman Logan. God is good, even when we don’t understand how that could be. I am praying for you and your family, but especially for you with such a yearning mother’s heart. May God be with you!
Oh, sweet friend… I’m so sorry! I am praying right now for you…
As the grandmother of two in Heaven with your four, all I can say is my tears are flowing with yours, for you.
Logan,
I am so glad that I met you working in our church nursery a couple of weeks ago, which led me to read your blog. I am devastated for you and SO, SO,very sorry!!! To echo words of previous comment: I have not felt the loss of a child, but I certainly have felt it just now, with you. Thank you for your raw, unedited words. Prayers…lifting you and your family up! May you feel God carrying you right now!
Karyn
I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope it helps just a little to know that so many wonderful people are praying for you! I have been through the same thing myself (a few times) and in fact we have never been able to have another child since my son was born (he’s almost 13 now). Praying for God’s strength and comfort for you and your family at this time.
Thank you for this honest, authentic post. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing; I know that feeling of loss all too well. Your post puts into written words much of the same thoughts Ivd had in going through my miscarriages and it meant a lot to read this post and know that someone can relate to the feelings I too felt/still feel. I know too many of us have experienced this pain, but there is something healing in knowing you are not alone. Praying for you and your family and admiring your honesty and courage in sharing it so purely with us. Cling to Him. Trust in Him.
“He said to them, “My heart is full of sorrow, to the point of death. Stay here and watch with me.” Matthew 26:38
Staying here waiting … And watching with you… Peace be with you Logan
Your post on allume brought me here. I’ve been here – I know this. Psalm 77 is so appropriate. I’ve lost four little warriors, 10 wks, 11 wks, 8 wks, and 39 wks. The last was our sixth, a baby in my last years of childbearing – I was 43. God formed her as He saw fit, and gave her Trisomy 18. Like many children with that disorder, she passed away in my womb, so close to our seeing her eyes open in what would have been a very short life. She is whole now, and happy to be with her Maker. My heart was torn with all of our losses, but rent in two with Olivia. So I know where you are, and I know that during these dark times we are under the shadow of His wings, and at the time, that was the only comfort I could feel because it was dark. I also learned to hold my other children lightly, because they really are His and He numbers their days, all of our days. God is good, and the giver of all gifts.
A big hug for you! My heart is there with you.
Words cannot even begin to convey my sorrow for you and your family. I too have lost a child, but my loss in no way compares to yours. I lost my dear baby boy at 25 weeks. With 3 girls at home, we were devestated over the loss. I was so angry. I am very glad that you could write how you felt and hold nothing back. I am praying for you, Logan, as you and your family go through this journey. Today my heart cries for you as you take the time to heal from this loss and the loss that I and other women have faced.
i laughed when you wrote about eating “dump cereal”, because that’s how i felt after my first miscarriage after 1 1/2 of trying. it’s been nearly another 1 1/2 since the loss, and still nothing. this is a very very very hard journey, and i am so sorry that you’re in the middle of it right now. praying the shock will wear off and you can see something on the other side. hang in there –
Tessa
Thank you. Thank you for being real. For being raw. I too experienced a 2nd trimester loss last July. It was my only one, but my husband and I struggled hard with the the cuss-fest/Christianese responses that made us feel bipolar.
Praying. Hard.
You’ve just been prayed for. For your comfort and healing, yes, but also that God will use this authentic post to draw people closer to Him. There are so many people who don’t understand that they can talk to God like this, that He can take it. Even if their heartbreak is of a different kind, they can pour out without holding back and know that God’s response is a stubborn love. Thank you for writing this post and for having the courage or abandonment to click “publish.” I’m thankful you didn’t have writer’s remorse and delete it. Sarah Mae is right. God didn’t make a mistake when He told you to name your precious baby “Fisher.”
after reading your pain and grief written in words, i remembered my grief and anger from many yrs. ago. naturally, my perspective is different now than it was then.
i do remember that frustration of time wasted. getting to a certain point in the pregnancy and feeling like all that time was wasted. i had a miscarriage, then an 8month stillbirth.
i realize now that it is painful to fall in love, even when you don’t know the sex of the baby you are falling in love with. discussing names, planning a future for them, wondering who they will look like or be like…it all falls apart when they die!
that is what it is like to live in a broken, fallen world. it is very sad. aren’t you glad for the taste of redemption we have in Christ. the brokenness has been dealt with, but we won’t completely experience it until heaven…our infants are loving it right now. they will never know darkness, or evil. they will live in the Light. they will never experience tears and sadness. as much as i wanted to be the one to care for my babies, they are in an unbelievably better place. they are surrounded by people like moses, elijah, hannah, mary (jesus’ mother) and a multitude of others. what a delight on that side!
What a loss for you. You have our prayers as you grieve.
Martha,
This is truly the most beautiful way to look at such a devastating loss! I, too, miscarried at 11 weeks and I mourned profusely for the baby I never held. I wish I would have had these words to pray on then. I will tuck them away deep in my heart.
Logan, I will pray this for you my sweet sister in Christ! xo
Praying for you sweet girl.
I’ve been in that place where you cry until you throw up and you think you will die and you keep crying until you sleep and then you wake still crying. It hurts and it’s awful and there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. The anger with God will fade and you will relax back into His love … even though you won’t understand His ways. But it takes time! In the meantime … I applaud you for being real and honest and raw! Because somewhere someone else will know that she is not alone!
Oh, Logan, my love… I’ve never met you, but I’m hurting for you and what you’re going through. I appreciate your honesty and candidness in sharing this more than you probably intended. When these things that happen that we can’t understand, it’s so very hard to be patient in waiting for the answer to “WHY?”. I hope that the Lord sees it fit to give you an answer sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I pray that you feel his arms of comfort as the pain subsides.
Your Sister-In-Christ,
Karen
I, for one, will never forget a little boy named Fisher…because of this passionate tribute, written by a mother who is willing to love, even when it hurts this bad. And I, too, believe God’s promises for your little fisherman WILL prevail.
Hugs, friend.
I’m so, so sorry that you lost your precious baby. I will definitely be praying for you and your family.
I’m so very sorry! Praying for you today!
Jessica
I found your blog from Allume. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have no words. Just breaks my heart. Thank you for the honesty to share your feelings.
I hate that feeling. I know it. I know it all too well. Oh, I hate it. I remember lying on that stupid ultrasound table after just hearing about #4 thinking, “Four? FOUR?? I’ve now reached THAT number?!!??!?” It’s shock and anger and bewilderment.
I hate it. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re feeling it too.
I’m praying for you.
Camille, Mom of Isaac and Gavin and Six in Heaven
#1, Miscarried 03/03/2000
Our Sweet Elise Alexandria, Born to Heaven at 40.5 weeks on 07/07/200
Our Son, Miscarried 08/01/2002, Trisomy-10
Our Daughter, Miscarried 11/15/2002
#5, Our Surprise, Miscarried 09/11/2011
#6, Another BIG Surprise, Miscarried 02/03/2012
I’m so very sorry. I wish I had the words to say that would provide even a little bit of comfort. I’m so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.
Logan, I have been thinking of you constantly since I read your post last week. I have no words of comfort, and can’t imagine what today was like for you. Please know you are not alone in your pain, for all of us that love you dearly (even if we don’t keep in touch) are enveloping you in prayers and hugs from afar!
I’m a stranger to you and yet your words articulate my thoughts exactly. I guess I’m thankful God used your words and your blog to reach out to someone like me who has also lost 4. But I would rather God spare you the agony of this experience than use it to comfort others. As if I had a say in what happens to people. It’s just that there are so many people he uses without causing them this much pain. I hate this so much for you. God has so much explaining to do.
Girl…I hear you on that one! Wish it wasn’t me…or you…or anyone to go through this, but I know our God is good and while he allowed it, he didn’t cause the loss of our children. I do look forward to the day he explains it all to me, but in the meantime, I want to find the mountaintop place even in the midst of the valley and use my story to bring healing and deliverance and hope to others!
Logan,
I pray blessings in your grief and i hurt with you, all the while tears stream down my face for you, I simply must think that my lost baby has another paly mate…His testimony is yours and so I pray his story lives on…through you. My love and prayers, may your body and mind and heart and spirit be restored newly and daily.
Comfort and peace
Rochelle
I am so sorry to dig this post out of the depths but I was mentally SCREAMING YEEESSSSSSSSSSS to everything you were writing. We lost our 2nd baby, at just over 13 weeks just over 3 weeks ago, and I don’t understand it at all. I also lost my first baby at 13 weeks. Baby measured around 9 weeks both times, and I was able to labor with them at home. It hurts so bad, and is so confusing. This was our first child ever that was a surprise to us that we weren’t exactly welcoming but we adjusted quickly, and were really excited and happy. We told ourselves that God knew better than we did, and that this child was just the happy result of our love for each other. I prayed so much, and I struggled to survive through caring for my 4 children, and exhaustion, and some how forgot how paranoid and careful I was with my 4 after my first loss. I thought surely God would not take the very child that he blessed us with. Through prayer, I felt that this was IT…my big moment where God was going to bless me, and use me in ways I never imagined…and then it all just ended. Anyways…I didn’t mean to write a book, or unload on you…I just wanted to say. I agree. And offer you (((hugs))) from one broken mother to another.
do not apologize! But be encouraged that even if I wanted to do so, I couldn’t write that post again because of where the Lord has brought me from there. It’s still a journey, but I’m definitely not in the same place!
That’s so good to know! And even know, I can already tell I am coming out of that place too. 🙂
Thank you so much for being so honest! I needed to be reminded that its ok not to be ok sometimes. And the one that we should run to is God. He’s got broad shoulders and can handle our little “cuss-fests”. I am so sorry for your losses, but thank you for being so honest! That your honest words can help someone else that’s hurting, might be part of Fisher’s legacy.
Your story is very similar to a story I stumbled upon on another blog earlier this week. I feel compelled to share the link with you.
http://www.memoriesoncloverlane.com/2009/04/some-heavy-stuff-on-miscarriage-part.html
Hope this in some way helps your hurt, I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through.
No words, just prayers for you and all the other moms who have these losses.
There just isn’t anything like miscarriage and there really are no words…I’ll sit with you in silence as you remember Logan. Bless you for putting it out there..honest and true.
Praying !
Hi Logan. I hate your story. I hate that I can relate. I hate that so many other countless women can as well. This stuff just pisses me off and I don’t know how else to say it. I’m grateful that God can work all things together for our good, but sometimes I wish we had more say in those ingredients. I’ve never longed for my “true and forever” home more than since losing my babies. I believe in redemption and grace and that much keeps me going. Much love sis. And thanks for reaching out. You’ve found a friend and fellow pilgrim here. xo
I love that in His redemptive way, the Lord gives us community…a sisterhood…to empathize, sympathize, and hold hands as we walk sometimes limping through this broken world. Hang in there sister. I’m praying for you…and walking alongside you.