First of all I want to say thank you to all of you for your kinds comments, words, and emails about yesterday’s post. So many of you have called me things like “courageous and brave” for sharing my story, and while I want to thank you for that…I want to say….I’m not courageous or brave. I am someone who has walked a path that frankly just sucks…and for some reason it’s a path that so many people want to sweep under the rug or come up with reasons that “these things happen” to make it go away. I want to talk about it…I NEED to talk about it. I know that I’m not the only person who has ever suffered this kind of loss and more than that, if you have suffered it too, I NEED for you to know that you are not alone. Did you hear that?
You, my friend, are not alone.
As I type, I have tears forming in the corners of my eyes because I know that loneliness all too well. I have the most amazing friends that any person could ever ask for, and more than is even normal, I know. But when this happened in my life, there wasn’t anyone of those dear women close around me who knew what I was feeling at the time.
It’s not just loneliness from not walking with other’s who have gone through it. It’s a deep sadness and loneliness because you feel so overcome with grief for someone you never even had the chance to know. And that’s just part of it too…the loss of a chance to know someone who was already special to you. There’s anger with God over not understanding why He allowed it to happen, there’s tension with your spouse because try as he might, he didn’t have that baby in his tummy…he didn’t have the nausea and the tired and the maternal bonding that you did. Yes, he loves you well, but he doesn’t understand…and in that time, that misunderstanding feels lonely too.
People come to your side right when it happens…for a couple of weeks they check up on you, and bring you meals, and send you cards, and ask how you’re doing. And then…it passes from their minds. By 6 weeks after, noone is asking anymore. It’s gone for them….but it never leaves you. And you feel lonely. Left with your grief….left with an empty womb…left with and extra 8 pounds on your body that you don’t even have the energy to try to work off.
I write these things not to be brave or courageous….but to say to you who needs to hear it, that you are not alone.
After I left the doctor’s office on that morning I don’t even really know what I did next. I think I called my mom from the parking lot before I even left. I don’t know what I said. That was on a Thursday.
The next thing I really specifically remember was having to go back to the doctor’s office again on Monday to do another ultrasound to confirm what we knew.
I prayed like mad that the Lord would do a miracle. That when I went back there would be a heartbeat. I know someone that happened to….I knew it could happen for me.
It didn’t.
At the doctor’s office what we saw was a womb collapsing around a tiny baby. No blinking heartbeat…no life left.
On Tuesday I went in for a D&C. Because of the size of the baby, the doctor said it could be a long time before my body would naturally “pass” it.
I need to say something right here too, and I have to say it because it’s what I believe and in my story it’s part of what I personally struggled with…but I don’t agree with abortion…ever, for any reason. I don’t say this to stir up controversy, but I need you to understand that my heart beats for life…my heart beats for the unborn, and I believe that God’s heart does too.
I knew that a D&C was the same procedure used for abortion and I couldn’t get my life-loving arms around that process being done to my baby. The baby that I wanted. That my baby would come out in tiny pieces instead of as a whole, perfect, beautiful human being was irreconcilable to me for awhile after it was done. But I do realize why it was necessary for my health.
I also want to make sure to say here to anyone who ever has had an abortion, I love you. God loves you. You are not alone either, and there is restoration for you too for any broken pieces of your heart. You are not an awful person, you are a beautiful creation of a loving and forgiving God, and he holds your babies in the same arms that he holds mine. He holds you and me in those arms too. He has big, generous, loving, and forgiving arms.
The last thing that I remember before the medicine took effect and I was no longer conscious of anything was a sweet nurse standing over me holding my hands saying “I’m right here, I won’t leave you” over and over and over again.
I think the Lord wanted me to hear that…to know that…and to cling to those words over the next months.
Deuteronomy 31:6,8 -Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you… The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Logan,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Reading your posts have me in tears. I am so sorry you went through this.
You are such an amazing, strong woman. You are an inspiration to me, and many others I am sure. Thank you for sharing this. HUGS
This comment is from Penny, a reader who emailed and asked that I post this because there were technical difficulties for her posting directly on the blog.
For some reason, I still can't post and I am sure its just me! Anyway, I want to share this post, maybe you can post it for me? Thank you for what you write, I look forward to your posts each day!
………………..
My husband and I desperately want children. We are raising his daughter (with us 5 years now- age 14) and no, that isn't good enough. I hear "at least you are able to parent"…well, you know- that blows.
He had a vasectomy 14 years ago after she was born. Reversal is possible as is IVF etc. IF you can afford it. And, since the recession crash, we no longer have our savings. Each birthday, we get a year older and our conception chances via these avenues are lower and lower.
So, on Mother's Day, as I rejoice to have his daughter in our lives, I am wracked with pain and grief for the babies I deeply long for but may not ever receive.
I celebrate the pregnancies and births of friends, though later when alone I sob. Many women live in this place. This "maybe" space where you haven't done everything yet, but your chances of doing anything slip away each day….
I am sharing because I felt moved to do so, and also because there are rarely any posts about this area- miscarriage, birth, stillbirth, infant/child death…all are out there, and all are beautiful ways to connect and survive….
so I am speaking up for those of us who yearn for children and for whom this holiday is also filled with mixed emotions, pains and joys.
Logan, you offer a safe place here, and your honesty, humor, and grace comfort me each day. Thank you~ –Penny
logan i am blessed to know you as a friend. this post is so real, true, open and yes the word is safe. your story confirms the reality that this is not the way it was meant to be. i know that my brother jesse and our sister rachel greeted your sweet babies. one day we will all be together. thank you for sharing. i am so sorry for your loss. you ought to speak for the life movement. your story is powerful. love you, e